I cannot find the image I want to post, figures. Today has been a fucking shitty day, and I am just fucking over it. I am sick of being the hard worker and having everyone take advantage of me. I am sick of eating shitty candy all the way home on my ride to my house. I am sick of my FD screwing me every time, I think she has my back, when will I learn that NO ONE EVER HAS MY FUCKING BACK AND NO ONE EVER WILL. People are so pathetic, so useless, so unreliable, no one lives up to their words.
I can remember right after the salesman left the first time. My FS heard me crying in my room and somehow, I do not remember how it happened but he actually asked if I was ok, and I said no, shaking my head and crying and then he just held me as I cried. How does my child have the power to do that, when no one else in my life is even clueless to what I am going through? A son, a child, he was barely 18 take his mother’s heart into his hands and let me cry. I do not know if it helped him or if it was just pure selfishness on my part. But I do remember telling him that his Dad was my best friend, and I just broke. I just tumbled into my heart with all the pain that was present.
How could he leave us? How did this happen? Where is my husband? Why am I here? I cannot let this happen? We need to be strong for our children! and now it is just me? And I do not even have a fucking full time job? What about insurance? what about money? what about the boys college? FUCK FUCK FUCK, I am shaking, getting nauseated from just flashing back to that place. HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME, LEAVE US! I just collapsed and I am not even sure how I got through it all.
I should have never talked to my FS like I did and I hope I did not leave him with any open sores, but he did help me that night.
I am just so tired of getting taking advantage of, and I am so so tired of no one helping me, not even my FD, when she said she would, even after I asked her.
I am better off just becoming harder, more bitter, more edgy, more of me, more selfish, more bitchy, and just fuck everyone else. After all everyone just FUCKING HURTS ME. I am so sick of being fucked over. Even baby E gives me the fucking side eye and does not cuddle, he only comes to me when it is storming and he is scared. Maybe I should become transactional and you have you pay me first before I give you anything.
Yes I think that is it, Fuck you all, It’s me first from now on.
I have not been nervous about being lead just on the first time, today, I just did not really think about it. We only had three doctors which was great and one is a new doctor so her schedule is 1/2 of a normal schedule should be, so I kind of caught a break. It turned out to be a shit show later in the day, because they just kept piling on with the inpatients. We had about 8 inpatients in the morning and then we had 10 inpatients in the afternoon, so that is a LOT! The four 10 hours shift girls ( including me) all left the department 45 minutes after the fact, but we did it together and no one was angry or mad or upset. We all learned a lot and really helped one another, it was a long exhausting day, but we did it. And I was lead, so I couldn’t have done so bad. I am exhausted and ate two portillos beefs for dinner, that alone tells you how hungry I am. The weather was in the 50s and it rained, so of course, I was worried about baby E, and of course my FD did NOT come over today to spend time with him, or to walk him. Sigh, I really needed her today and so of course I get fucking screwed. Poor baby E was home alone for 13 hours, that is NOT RIGHT FOR ANY DOG! I did come home, feed him, walk him (fog and all, even if it always reminds me of zombie’s hunting me) and then finally made myself dinner. I HATE leaving him alone for that long, so I have looked into a doggie daycare right by my house, but the hours are 7 am to 7pm which will not work for me, unless I get my FD to help me. And well you can see that trying to depend on my FD is not an option. I will have to talk to her about this. I mean I am paying her so why the fuck isn’t she doing her God Dam job! Doesn’t she understand that baby E cannot be alone for that long, and he needs to spend time with people. I mean I did not want to get a 10 hour a day job that was 45 minutes away, it is not optimal for my dog. I wish I could get him a second dog so he was not alone all day, but I do not trust him with a second dog without being supervised. So back to my FD and her being undependable, which is not a surprise, disappointing for sure, and upsetting. I so wish that someone, anyone, would be my safety net and take care of the things that are important to me, can’t anyone treat me the way I treat them? Can’t anyone FUCKING HELP ME!!!!!
Well besides feeling bad about baby E, the day was better than yesterday. I did not have the feel that something was off, I was too busy to be worried about anything else and I am too tired now to worry. I guess I will have to deal with the baby E situation and I sure hope things get better for my baby.
However, it was a very intense day at work, and I did very very very well, and that is something to be proud of.
I woke up in a good mood, I remembered to bring my wood wedding flowers from my wedding in 2019, and I brought the extra flowers from my SS’s past wedding from Sept 2022. A co-worker’s daughter is getting married, the head tech’s daughter is getting married and I volunteered my flowers from my second wedding, and the extra flowers from my SS’s wedding. I already suggested my SS’s photographer, which they booked and LOVED, so I have helped her and her daughter out a bunch. But that is kinda of who I am. I am way too nice, I like to make people’s life’s easier, I like to help, I like to be good to other people. I life to be a team player at work, I like to plan things, I like to be helpful. And all it has ever given me is a fucked up life. How can I be so nice to people after all I have been through. When is my fucking time?
Today just felt off, something is just off, I am not on the right track, I am getting tugged on my shirt over and over and I cannot figure out why? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why was today such a burdened day? Ugh, I have no answers and I am still annoyed and it was not even a very bad day at work. I just feel like something is off, my drawer is off the rails, and something is just not in sync. I wonder what that means. I wonder why today was so off.
Time to medicate myself so I can sleep, hopefully tomorrow I do not feel so off.
Can you change your nature or can you just hide it behind something? Is hiding it being fake? or is it just playing the game of life and political correctness? How are you a practicing witch and not showing it in your outside life? Things have been very different lately, I have been trying or should I say I have made myself a promise, a new years resolution, if I may be so bold as putting that out there. I have decided to be good to myself, to take care of me as well as I take care of others, especially my family, and above all that my wonderful, precious, the reason I am alive, children. I can only imagine how it will be to be a grandmother, if this is the draw motherhood has. I also have been working on boundaries believe it or not. I am trying to use my intuition more and gauge people before I open my mouth. I have been trying to “read” their energy or “read the room” as the more popular phrase is. This is very important with a specific doctor which my “energy” annoys, it is very obvious to me, but I am looking at it with my witchy eyes, and I am calling my intuition to me and I am working with “all of that” to lead me along this path. I have bought a spirit animal oracle deck that I using sometimes in the morning. I pull a card and read the little synapsis and the journal prompt that comes with it. I have not journal about any of them yet, although I have a specific journal I have brought it to some of my coven meetings and I think it would be good to write some of these journal prompt answers in. Speaking of writing, I brought a book about a year ago, one is a self help journal and the other one is a book of shadows.Now, now, now, a book of shadows is not evil, or has to do with satanism, or death, or bad intentions, it is a journal with prompts that helps you explore your psyche so you can face, feel and heal parts of yourself have have been repressed or ignored. I opened the self help journal when I was drunk, read the prompt, wrote some hideous awful stuff about myself and then threw it across my bedroom where it sat, for almost a year. I still have not opened it, although I have opened the shadow book, and the first prompt was to write about my caregivers when I was a child. I had no problem writing about my mom, she was a good mom, and then she got sick and things sucked, however, now that I have her same disease, I do not hold any grudges against her ( well maybe there are some unresolved issues) but not as much as you would believe. I then put the book down and picked it up later on that day. I then began to write about my Dad, and somehow I wrote down that I loved him so much, but he hit me and I fell off the couch side and then he hit me with a shoe which put me in the hospital due to an asthma attack. I had to stay overnight, and then I wrote that he betrayed me. I got hit in the heart with that realization, and somehow picking my two “s” husbands made so much sense. I never looked at my father as betraying me, but that is what my mind/subconscious/heart/intuition tells me. I do not know if it is correct and I have not picked up that book since that day, about 10 days ago. I know that I will pick it up again when I am called to, but I still have not processed this information, at least not on a conscious level, but I do not like the word “betrayed” although that is what resonates with me. I will sit with this until the book calls to me again.
I do feel like this time of year is calling to me to get to know myself better, to establish boundaries and I will begin to know myself better. I so want to spend money, and go shopping and buy stuff but I am being disciplined and staying the course.
My hands go to my head and hold it steady as my whole vision shakes right and left, very fast, and it does not stop. I have to close my eyes and take some deep breaths and just stay still, which is very difficult for me most moments of any minute of any day. I have had hideous dizzy spells since I have had Covid, and they are awful. I actually had one the other night at home, and I had to grip the wall or I would have fallen flat on my face in the hallway. This has been happening 5 to 10 times a day, and I hope this fucking dizziness stops soon. I HATE IT. I have Valium that I was prescribed for Labyrinthtis a long time ago when I was so dizzy upon waking that I could not stop my eyes from moving back and forth. I thought I was having a stroke, my first husband at the time drove me to my doctor and I was diagnosed with labyrinthitis, given valium, told to sit still and it would pass. Basically it was a virus that effected my inner ear and it caused vertigo. I was miserable, I have had a few attacks of this after that first diagnosis, however these new attacks feel very similar but not as bad because my eye’s do not shake back and forth when I look in the mirror. However, these new attacks, come out of nowhere, hit me and leave within a minute or so. But they happen so erratically that I do not know when they will happen, so far I have been having about 5-9 episodes a day. God forbid it happens when I am driving! WTF, this is not a good thing.
So Why the Brown eye as the title picture? Well it comes up a lot during my daily work life. The father of my children had blue eyes and blonde hair as a child, he grew up to be a blue eyed brown haired adult. I myself am a brown eyed, brown haired women, all of my three children have blue eyes and blonde hair. My sons as they have aged have gotten darker and darker hair to the point where they are now brown haired, with blue eyes. My daughter was born with brown hair and I was so excited, finally I would have a brown haired baby! Well her eyes turned brighter blue then even her father’s or her brother’s eyes and all that beautiful brown hair fell out and she became blonder than either of her brothers! Most of my children look more like my sister, who is blue eyed and had blonde hair as a child, then they ever did look like me. It sure would have been nice to have my children have my coloring, but such is life, it did not happen. As my children use to say ” Mom, the dog’s all have brown eyes.” and I would respond ” I did not birth any of those puppies” but I guess all of my dogs may be closer to me in resemblance than my own biological children. Does it bother me, yes it does. What gave me hope was my oldest niece! She is the daughter to my oldest brother who is 9 years older to me, his oldest child is a girl and she looks exactly like MY MOTHER. So my mother’s first granddaughter was her mini-me! I was hopeful that this would happen to me. Now I am almost 100 percent sure that this will NOT happen to me. My First Born Son, FBS, is blue eyed and brown haired, he has been dating a girl who is blue eyed and blonde haired and has been dating her for 3 years and one month now. I am expecting the ring to be on her finger in a year or so. My Second Born Son, SBS, has MARRIED, a blue eyed, blonde haired girl, so I will not get a brown eyed child out of this union. And my First Born Daughter, FBD, has married, a very blue eyed, very blonde haired man. So I will definitely NOT get a brown eyed, brown haired child from that union either! So none of my grandchildren will ever have my beautiful, brown/green eyes, or my chestnut/dark brown hair. I guess that is just life, but it would have been so nice to have my first granddaughter be my mini me. I guess I will not just be that lucky.
But WHO KNOWS, maybe someone will look like me, they may not have my coloring but they may have my features, my personality, and my zest! Now wouldn’t that be something. I would love that. But again only time will tell, as always.
Another thing that is bothering me that I have not shared here is what my eye doctor appointment revealed. I went back to my old eye doctor right down the street who actually found my left eye tumor called a pterygium which was removed in 2014, the lovely year when my whole life crumbled and my first husband left our family. I was told that this could possibly be a cancerous tumor and it needed to be removed. I had the surgery scheduled, but a week before this surgery the salesman lost his job and I therefore lost insurance and could not have this tumor removed. I got a job and got insurance and had the surgery all the time keeping it to myself that I might have eye cancer. I remember my FBS driving me home from that eye surgery and I was so scared and just trying not to cry, but I did it, I have the tumor removed. I paid for it myself, arranged it myself and did not tell anyone that it could be cancer, while all the time my heart was breaking into pieces because my life was falling apart. I survived and I could see, and life moved on.
So now I have “narrow angles” on my eyes, one more than the other, which could lead to glaucoma which can lead to blindness, so GREAT, joy, another fun thing to deal with. I have an appointment in late February or early March to deal with this new issue which may/will lead to surgery to possibly correct this situation. So another thing to deal with, and not to mention the leaking silicone implants which are leaking into my body and need to be removed. I just so hope I have all the monies and hope and love/vibes to deal with all of these problems. So anyway the picture above shows a small hole within the iris of the eye ( the brown part) and that would help the drainage of the fluid that is being restricted in my eyes due to the “narrow angle” of my eyes, and that simple surgery could help correct my issue so I can see and not go blind. Afterall I kinda need my eyes to do my job and you know – live.
I love my brown eyes, they are one of a kind, and I hope to God and Goddess that I can keep my vision and maybe one day have a grandchild that looks like me, if I am that lucky.
Glass onion, the movie that is, is a pretty great movie. I watched it the first time with my first son and his GF, and it did not disappoint, even when I watched it with my sister tonight . I was trying to pin a picture of the movie on this post, but with this new computer that is so basic I do not quite get it. so no Glass onion picture. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while the fire in the fireplace burnt itself out.
Now it is Sunday the 1/8/23 and I am at home after a long day of de-Christmasing the house, it always makes me sad, because the house looks so bare. I did however, bring out the Valentines days stuff and I got some more at the dollar tree yesterday. This weekend I was on call, at Cherokee, and I actually was called in yesterday. It was not bad, and I made at least two hours of money, so far today I have not been called in and I do hope that I am not. I have already began drinking. I also have made chili which I am about to eat a bowl of. It is too hot so back here I am again.
I have not had a drink until Friday of this week. I did buy these drinks from moment that are made of adaptogens and I can drink on week days if I need to. I did have one on Thursday night and I could not finish the whole can, I put it in the fridge and drank some of it the next night. I did fall asleep however before my bedtime and this has happened every night after I eat dinner. I come home fed baby E, walk him and then I eat my dinner so it is clearly after 8 pm. I am exhausted and I am blaming Covid. I also do not have my taste and smell back it is maybe 30 percent available now, and this is 13 days after I been DX with Covid.
Maybe this just my time to be quiet. I have trained to be lead tech and I did it last Friday. I will be lead tech once a week now, while everyone is present, maybe on more days if and when I am needed. I am still learning, but it seems to be going well. I also ran into one of my old Drs that I worked with for 14 years, it was very nice to see her. We did catch up for a few moments and we both seemed happy to see one another. I am liking this job very very much. Tomorrow I am at NSC which is the close one to me, so I can sleep until 6:30 and I will work 8 to 4:30 pm but get paid for 10 hours. It will be a good week. No alcohol again tonight, just me and moment, at the moment.