I did not really watch friends while it was on, maybe a few times, when it was on must watch Thursday on NBC. Friends aired 1994-2004, so I was getting married and having babies, also dealing with the salesman’s first bipolar diagnosis. After watching it and laughing and crying and drinking, and after last night, I just want to cry. I am just the biggest fucking loser. I have no friends. No one likes me. I am all alone.
I can remember when I had friends. We were all so close and we all spent so much time together. It was awesome. And I guess that all my best years are behind me. I was the friend that my friends did not get mad at. I was the friend that made sure everyone was included. I went out of my way to make sure that everyone is included and to make sure everyone was o.k. with it. So how did I end up alone? and Friendless? And now sometimes my kids do not even answer me. How pathetic is fucking this. How pathetic am I?
So yesterday I was thinking about W, of course I was thinking about W. I think about him all the time and it hurts. So I re-read the last texts we sent, and then it just hurts a little bit more. I just wanted him to be a step father to my kids, I REALLY wanted that and I did not realize that at the time. I married him to help him and I wanted him to fill a roll that my kids did not have. He is my brother’s best friend, and w actually knew my children from birth on. So why wouldn’t w want to be a friend or step father to my kids? I mean I was good to his daughter, at least I hope I was, I tried to be. and I thought he would want to be to my kids. I mean my kids are my life. My life, so why would w not even try, not even try with my kids. Just fucking hurts. I mean I guess if w had a relationship with my kids things would have turned out different.
I can remember a time when I was stuck in traffic on the main highway riding home, it was a sunny day. I do not recall if I had the air-conditioning on or if I had the windows open. I do remember twirling my hair with my left hand. I once had an old neighbor tell me, that he could recognize me in the car ahead by my twirling my hair. I do it all the time. My sister does as well, but with the opposite hand, and my grandmother, my mother’s mom, did it as well. My Mom’s mom is named Josephine, Jo, and I never met her. In fact none of the grandkids met her, she died when my mom was 15. What a fuck storm, I can only imagine what it would be like to grow up without a mother. Anyway, this was probably back in 2011 or 2012, and I remember thinking about heartbreak. How heartbreak is so guttural. You feel every single second, you are raw, with every breath being a struggle. I remember saying, I hope I can feel that pain again, real, raw, hideous pain one more time in my life. It was almost like a wish to the universe, and I really wanted to be alive again, alive and in heartbreak. Then in a moment I was back to thinking about everyday things, like what was for dinner, which child needed to go where, what homework was done, and did I have my mix ready for my spin class? Why am I remembering this small detail in time now?
Because it happened, and Did I wish it into fruition?
The years ahead after that thought in my car were fucking hell. and of course if you wanted to you could read them starting with this blog, and with my first blog, which is not attached to this one. For reasons I do not want to go into at the moment, the year of 2013 through 2014 where fucking hell, 2015 was not much better. The end of 2016 was great, and now here I am again in heartbreak hell, and I guess the whole thing I am asking the universe is Did I want/long/choose to be here? Have I put that energy out into the world for it to deliver heartbreak again? Do I subconsciously always need to be in some sort of pain to live? Is that what I want? Is that why I am here again? I guess I will never know.
I have been trying to be better, and actually I have been succeeding, just one little step at a time. I have lost 5 pounds, and I have stopped drinking vodka to the point of passing out every fucking night. I am back to trying to do one little thing a day to help me BE who I want to become. And lucky for you ( just kidding) that includes writing. I do truly feel hideously depressed almost every day. I tell myself I am a loser, over and over, probably from the first moment my eyes open. How do you stop that? I guess the first step is addressing that you have a problem, and that is what I have just done. I should say that I am upset about my second divorce, and I do not think I have acknowledged that.
I think I will go back to helping myself daily and working on baby E’s training. He attacked my sister’s dog on Saturday and my daughter’s boyfriends (df) also on Saturday. It is very concerning and frustrating for me.
The night time is starting to take over the day, the frogs are croaking in the pond, and the crickets are just beginning. The world seems to take on a golden hue as the day begins it’s night time sleeping routine. I can hear a conversation of a mother laughing on the phone, a dog barking in the back ground and the falls, running, running running into the second lake. This is summer time, this is 8:23cpm on a Sunday in May 2021, whoever thought I would be alive in summer of 2021. I remember a writing assignment from back in grammar school, ( elementary school for everyone under the age of 40) “Mom?” comes from the background noise until it fades to just casual words coming in and out of my radar. I guess all moms, will always hear the word Mom, after all we are in-tune to it aren’t we? The writing assignment was to think of where we would be in December of 1999. I hear the scraping of claws on wood and look up to the trees to see the squirrels, hoping around, running up and down the tree trunks, like gravity is not a thing. Baby E comes up the stairs and looks at me and wags his tail. I remember that writing assignment and I had to do the math to figure out how old I would be on December 31, 1999. I was 30, and a few weeks. I can remember exactly where I was at, I was at my house in Libertyville, IL, 206 S. 4th Ave, Libertyville, IL, in front of a fire place and just hoping for a good next decade. I remember snacks and drinks in front of the fireplace and maybe sex? But what stays in my mind is that I was alone, and wrapping my arms around my knees, holding myself, in front of the orange fireplace in Lake County, IL, in my dream Libertyville house. I was hopefully and dreading the next decade to come.
The gold sky has now faded to a pale gray, and darkness seems to be winning the fight over light of the day to claim this time as it’s own. The dog’s barking has disappeared, the frogs croaking seems to have double in size, and the crickets have taken over the background, as a simple but yet complete white noise. I can still hear the words of the phone call becoming more and more incoherent as the gray turns to purple. I can smell the citronella candle that is lite right next to me. And I am wondering why I am writing tonight.
Something called to me, someone wanted me to write today. I wanted to text w and just say “hey” and I know he would have answered “hey” in return. I miss w, I miss being married, I miss being in a relationship. I do not know if I will ever be use to being single. Will I ever be use to the quiet that being single gives you? I do not know who I am at 51, I am always wishing I was more, or did more, or should do more, or why I am so inept. Why am I so hard on myself, I will never know.
I did have a very productive day today. I got up after 7:30 am which means I slept in! kudos to me. Baby E was shifting positions and sighing since about 6:30 am, trying to stir me from my bed. I was able to open my eyes slowly and listen to the birds outside, to the cars passing by, and the sound of the air conditioning seeping through the air vent above on the ceiling. I like being able to lay in bed, open my eyes and slowly but purposely begin to wake up.
I can remember the apartment that the salesman and I had right when we got married. The bedroom that we shared, had windows up high, that were long and narrow and only showed the sky. I can remember a morning of waking up and seeing the tree tops swaying in the wind. Right now, I can stop, close my eyes, and remember that morning, and I can be right back in that bed, looking at those trees, I can be that “me” and see what I saw then. I can remember that morning like it was yesterday. And that is what I so love about mornings when you do not have to go anywhere. I love those mornings and I hope I have a whole bunch more in the future.
Another morning I remember is on vacation in Seagrove, FL in 2017, W and I made coffee and drank it on the screened in porch in front of the house before anyone got up. W took a picture of us and posted it online and I was happy, so, so, so, so happy, it was the best vacation for me. If I could go back in time to that morning, I would. I thought I had found my happily ever after, my forever man, and I was all in for the rest of my life. The words of the phone call are now absent as the sky turns dark purple/blue and the light fades from the sky. The night animals have come out now, as my candle throws more and more light unto the table. The blue glow from the computer is now brighter than the sky, and night is taking over now from the day, as twilight turns into evening. I can hear SS working on his car, slamming things and opening the garage door, wrapping things up until tomorrow. So have I said what I wanted to say? No
I do not think so. I miss W, but more than that I miss happiness, I miss friends, but most of all I miss ME. I miss the J that I was so long ago, and that I found again in 2016. I know she is right around the corner from me, and that I just have to let w go, and move into the future that is mine, even if it scares the shit out of me, again. Dogs bark in the far back ground, and the great room lights stream onto the porch. The crickets take over the night noises, and I say goodnight to the day, and good evening to the sky. Blessed be to all the creatures in the world, and may God have mercy on all of our souls. Happy Monday everyone, may it be as wonderful as a quiet morning in bed with no plans.
This salad has been a staple in my family, well it was for me and W and of course it is my sister’s favorite. She comes over every Saturday and last Saturday she asked when we will have it again? The last time we had it, I ate something that tasted like mold, and I haven’t made it since. Well I came home on Friday night after a long/busy/hard week of scanning and drank myself until I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 12 am and took myself and baby E to bed. I don’t remember much, but I do remember that I got to drink Vodka. I did not drink it on Tues, Wed, or Thursday, even though I found a new liquor store next to my massage place on Thursday and drove around the parking lot, just to find it, paused, and almost parked to go in to buy my V, my addiction, but I drove off and just bought some on Friday, my lovely Tito’s Vodka. I got the medium bottle, not the big one. I WANTED the big one, but I know that just leads me to drinking on Monday and possibly Tuesday, with a very, very, very, drunk Sunday. I would justify starting to drink on Sunday around 2 pm because I needed to finish the bottle and after all didn’t I deserve some time to myself. So I would start drinking that early and drink into maybe 9-10 pm, so 7 to 8 hours of drinking. JESUS! What a loser I have become. ANYWAY, I did not buy the big bottle and now tonight at 6:52 pm I need to ration my V so I can have enough for tomorrow.
I went to the Orthopedist on Tuesday the 18th and he was quite the condescending prick if I don’t say so myself. He talked down to me, like I didn’t know anything, so I do not think I will see him again. My left shoulder, my good shoulder, has no issues according to the MRI with contrast just a possible “fray” in the labrum, which shouldn’t be giving me the pain that I am having. I went to close the door to my exam room on Thursday with my left arm. I extended it and turned to the patient, so my left arm was behind me and I almost bent over double over in pain! I hugged my left arm to my waist and kept it there for a good 20 minutes. No damage my ass, then WTF is this pain?!?!? I ended up getting a steroid shot on Tuesday from the asshole doctor, and prescribed Melixcam which is basically a small amount of anti inflammatory meds. I have been on it before, and I do not think it works, but here I am. I will go back into PT after “two weeks” of “rest” on my shoulder, so basically no gym for two weeks on my shoulder, I am not even one week out and I am anxious and crawling the walls. So this will be fun, NOT. I just do not get what the problem is. I have had problems with my forearms, like it hurts on the front part of my arm anterior just before my elbow, forearm tendinitis. My massage friend told me to lift weights on forearms and it will go away. So I did and Fuck me, it DID GO AWAY. So my logic says that I should lift on my shoulders. I HAVE NOT lifted on my shoulders in YEARS. So I will give it the two weeks and then back to the gym. I think I maybe able to solve this problem myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?!!
So baby E ended up attacking my sister’s dog A, and the night was over, just like that. We did eat the steak salad on the back deck, it was nice. It was my sister, I, my SS and his girlfriend, X. and ofc all the dogs. and I was feeding baby E steak, he started choking so my sister’s dog A came over to check on him and baby E attacked. IT was a FUCKING mess. I ended up locking baby E in my bedroom, where he sleeps, so it is not that much of a punishment. My sister ended up leaving early, hence why I am here at 7:10 pm blogging on a Saturday.
So W, what about him? He sent the flowers on Mother’s day and we were texting and talking. We were trying to work things out, and possibly plan a trip of my going to Chicago, he would pay – WOW! and then we were throwing around the idea of a vacation. Well I guess it was just me planning a vacation to Alaska in my head. So I decided to call him on Sunday, and not watch my shows ( the Nevers, and Mare from Easttown – HBO) which says something right there.I was talking to W about the things that upset me with our relationship. I stated I needed him to have a relationship with my kids, to initiate it and make it happen. After me talking my heart out he said “that is not who I am”. and Then I stopped answering his texts after that. Not that W did not try to engage me via text. He sends on Friday
“How Does someone go from talking about trying to figure things out, maybe coming to visit. planning a vacation together. to – just stop talking, in such a short time?
W: “Guess you don’t know either, huh?”
Me: I asked you to make an effort to be in my kids life and you said ” that’s not who I am”. That is why I am done. You cannot give me what I want and need.
W: That’s not accurate But Whatever
And we have had no communication since then.
WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO RESCUE MEN?
So this is me thinking: I Want to help him, I love him, I want to give him the space and love that he needs to become his full self. And then my first husband, the salesman, comes into my mind. I will never be separate from him, will I ? GOD I loved that man, I LOVED The salesman, raw, pure, unfiltered, innocence, and completely. Why do I always feel the need to extend myself for the men that I love? Why are the men that I love NOT WORTHY OF ME? Why Do I Think That I Can Save Them? Why do I give myself to men that do not deserve me? Well I can tell you about W, shall I?
W was safe, he was/is my brother’s best friend, he was non aggressive, he was a follower not a leader and I could control the relationship, after all, he loved me more than I loved him. And I thought I could be happy, and safe and I could slowly relax and have a REAL relationship with someone that loved me more than I loved him. and that did not work, why?
W is jealous, he is needy, he is pouty, he is immature, he is not financial stable, he is NOT WHAT I NEED.
I want someone like me. I want someone who is a doer. I Want someone who is a leader, who is financial wealthy, who wants to be a father figure to my kids, someone who cherishes time together, who is physically fit, who is older than me, who loves dogs, who loved horses, who wants the best for me, and wants to take care of me, someone who knows how to handle an independent woman, someone who is ready for a life partner, someone who completes me, someone who I can be myself around, someone who CAN take care of me. Why Can’t I find that.
So Baby E just attacked my Df’s dog, U, out of nowhere, baby E was on the bed and I was inviting R up and baby E jumps off the bed and rips into U. W.T.F. So today baby E attacked, A and U, what an asshole dog. I do not know what do with him. baby E is a monster. I feel bad for A and U, and I locked Baby E in my bedroom, but I do not think it helps. W.T.H. is wrong with him?? Why can’t get him to be nice to other dogs? What is his fucking problem?
I did not drink Monday – Thursday, and I felt pretty good. Pretty Fucking Darn good. Did I miss Vodka? Yes, but I was not as productive or energetic at night as I thought I would. I was more energetic during the day, I did not have under eye circles on my face and I did not wake up with my mouth feeling like wool. I think it was a good week, so I will try to keep up this new habit. I like being disciplined enough to control my drinking.
Tomorrow I will be celebrating Mother’s day with all of my children and their significant others. We will be going to the renaissance fair which is a Mother’s day tradition. Hopefully it is a good day, and not like my birthday Ren fair which was ruined by my daughter yelling about books I donated without her consent. I really hope tomorrow is good, I need a good day. I could really use a good family day. So my SS told me that my dog cries and whines for at least an hour everyday when I leave for work…. OMG so Fucking Sad, that is awful. That is awful. I had no idea! so baby E is afraid of thunder storms, I had NO IDEA, and it makes me so sad. And how do I know this? I know this because of SS. SS was home last Tuesday and it was storming, like bad storming, like a tornado touched down in South Fulton, GA, so yeah BAD. Baby E was knocking into the closed door of the guest room, shaking the door, while SS was in a zoom meeting. SS could not leave the meeting but as soon as it was over, he opened the door and baby E ran under the desk that SS was using. SS could not even pull his chair under the desk due to baby E! So SS set up a make shift dogie bed right by his desk, and got back to work. SO SO SO SAD, I cannot imagine, poor baby E, shaking due to thunder and lightning! I love thunder and lightning so it pains me to see baby E in so much emotional pain.
Saturday the day before Mother’s day, it was a good day, my FS ( first son) and his GF came in early so we can leave to go to the Renaissance Fair with the family. The only problem is my Daughter and her boyfriend or DF as I refer to him. It ended up that my daughter and her DF got there late and left late so they did not meet us for dinner. WE had dinner at a new Mexican place that actually my D and DF introduced me too. I was sad that my D had problems with my mother’s day especially since she fucked up my birthday.
The surprise of the weekend was my 2 dozen bouquet of roses from W, got it at work on Friday, and it was awesome, and really made an impact on me. Amazing something so simple as a bunch of flowers can make a girl swoon. Well it can make THIS girl swoon. so I digress
Mother’s day, actually Sunday Mother’s day, starting with my SS making me breakfast, french toast, it was awesome. FS woke up with his GF and they made themselves breakfast, and started to pack up. So after awhile the FS left and the SS left and I did yard work. I actually had to call my DF to get a hedge clipper so I could continue my work. After a sweaty day of working outside, I took a shower. and Then I got invited to DF’s and D’s house for dinner. It was very, very VERY nice to have someone cook dinner on Mother’s day. And I actually enjoyed this year’s mother’s day.
well, every year the kids decide who is the best at Mother’s day and I have to say that SS is the winner.
He made me breakfast, fixed my car and filled it up with gas (the southern pipeline broke and we are at the gas loss?, I know that is not the right word but I can’t think of what the word is)
I did not drink Monday – Thursday, and I felt pretty good. Pretty Fucking Darn good. Did I miss Vodka? Yes, but I was not as productive or energetic at night as I thought I would. I was more energetic during the day, I did not have under eye circles on my face and I did not wake up with my mouth feeling like wool. I think it was a good week, so I will try to keep up this new habit. I like being disciplined enough to control my drinking.
Tomorrow I will be celebrating Mother’s day with all of my children and their significant others. We will be going to the renaissance faire which is a Mother’s day tradition. Hopefully it is a good day, and not like my birthday Ren faire which was ruined by my daughter yelling about books I donated without her consent. I really hope tomorrow is good, I need a good day. I could really use a good family day.
So my SS told me that my dog cries and whines for at least an hour everyday when I leave for work…. OMG so Fucking Sad, that is awful. That is awful.