Home Adventures: Reflections on a Simplistic Saturday

Tags

alone, lettinggo, life, mental-health, warriorspirit, writing

Something is changing, or maybe I am changing, but tonight – today feels/felt different. I am on call this weekend so I am tied to my house, which I have been making the best of. I woke up at my alarm and then just laid in bed, I threw my thick maroon heavy robe on over my naked body. I turn my head and saw baby e stretching out on his side of the bed. “Time to get up, baby” I went into the bathroom and relieved myself then stood on my new digital scale, dropped the soft robe from my shoulders and watched the blue analog numbers blink, 128.7, nice. I step off the scale, pick up my robe and touch baby e’s head as he pulls up beside me. I tuck the hallway door to the side and turn up the AC for the day and proceed to shut off the guest bedroom light, close the door and make my way down the stairs to the kitchen. Baby E is already out the doogie door, rushing around the corner and running down the stairs to some creature in the yard. I pull a bowl from the cabinet, open the Rubbermaid container with baby e’s food, get him a scoop, put the bowl down and pop a coffee pod In the one cup coffee maker. I pick a mug, a thick black one from San Francisco and push it under the now hot stream of Dunkin donuts coffee that is brewing up. I pull open the stainless steel side by side fridge and grab the half and half and the wet dog food can. I take some wet food mix it into his dry food and pop it into the microwave on the counter. I pour some cream into the coffee, careful not to over pour it, put the cream in the fridge just as the microwave beeps. I stir up baby E’s food and place it on the floor by my oversized now ripped green chair. Then return to the counter to get my coffee, I made myself some cranberry orange muffins yesterday, Thank you night time self I say in my head, and grab one to eat with my coffee. I should be getting ready for my massage, it is about 1 hour away and the massage is 1 hour so it is a total of 3 hours out of my peaceful Saturday. I eat my muffin, sip on my coffee and watch as baby E returns inside the house for his breakfast. “See anything out there today?” my phone ring camera sound goes off. I grab for my phone, open the app, a large deer walks passed my front door. “Ah I see,” I say to baby E as he starts to eat his food. I put my phone down sip my coffee and take a bite of the breakfast muffin. My 1 hour time is ticking down and I start scrolling, I am tired today, I lean back and the dizziness shakes my head. Well I think another reason why I need a massage to unfuck this neck of mine, my stomach cramps, I open my robe sweating and I head to the bathroom. What a great way to start the weekend, I wind up upstairs in my bed, ceiling fan on, staring at the crystals hanging off it. I am not going to make my massage that is ok anyway, it saves me money. I call the place and cancel, they wave the cancellation fee, since I have been a weekly customer for what 12 years now. I open my audible app, and realize that my audio book is finished. Well fuck I slept thru the ending then. I pull up my texts and look at the numbers I sent myself last night before I closed my eyes. I go back quite a few chapters and start where I left off. I lay back down on my cool bed, naked the fan blowing, and I feel good. I have no where to be, I am just waiting to be called. Baby E finds his way back upstairs, I lean back and watch the fan, and listen to my book, I get lost in fantasy and I am at peace. I love non planned days, I ended up falling back asleep and was awoken by my ring door camera going off, and baby E barking at the door. I open my eyes and decide that I need to walk him before we are in the 90s today, I grab some clothes, fuck a bra and head down stairs. I get us set up for our walk, headphones, glasses, baseball hat, doggie bags, dog treats and ofc baby E. I open the door to find my contacts on my front gray porch stairs, nice, I ordered them yesterday, got to love technology. The day is already hot and thick, humid and loud. My neighbor to the right of me is on her riding lawn mower, basically blowing red dirt all over the place. I spray on some bug spray look down to baby E and say “Which way today?” He pulls me towards the right, as a long established neighbor is walking by with his black knee wrap on. “trying to beat the heat?” he smiles and waves at me “Yeah” I say ” but I think the heat has already won” he nods and continues past my house down the hill towards the lake. I grab my celcius drink and let the dog take me where he wants the go. Baby E does not walk in a straight line, and ever since his ACL surgery in Jan 2026 I let him do as he pleases, he does not like inclines, which maybe just a healing process or his other back ACL could be on it’s way out. I hope not but we walk for about 20 minutes before he turns me around and we head back towards the lake ourselves. I think the whole walk was about .54 miles which is about 1/4 of what we use to do.

I return to my dependable house, and turn down the main floor air, get some water, a long with my energy drink and turn on the TV. I have been watching an old series about a serial killer and the female detective chasing him. It is really good, I have been watching a few episodes a night. I set my 1 hour timer and try to cool down, baby E flops down on the hard wood floor like he is spent. I get sucked back into my phone and have to rewind the series too many times. I sure hate the addiction I have to my phone. I take off my shorts and try to pay attention to the show.

What should I do today? I need to turn on my phone ringer so if the doctor needs me I will be available. I look at my 3/4 finished kitchen and sigh, yup that is my task for the day. After my hour break is up, I turn off the TV, fill up baby E’s water bowl and start back on painting the last of the kitchen cabinets. In order to disassemble the last four doors cabinet doors, handles and hinges, I will need some counter space. I have to unload and load the dishwasher but away the clean dishes and pull the fridge out into the middle of the floor. I put on my wireless headphones and start the work. Time flies by, as I listen the war of Gods on my phone. Finally everything is painting and drying, I am starving, but I do not want to stop until I finish with the cabinet base. I can eat once the base is finished. Nausea riles up in my stomach, I drink some water to buy me more time. I finally have to stop without finishing the base because I am so hungry, I reheat the 78 dollars of Mexican that I order yesterday. Feeling guilty for spending so much, however, this will probably give me 4 -5 meals, I put the plate with the steak tacos in the microwave and hurry to finish the base. Success, I wash out the brush and roll while I wait for my food. I grab the salt, a towel, the skull tray, put my food on it and head to the front room. I turn on my TV show, baby E joins me on the couch and groans as he lies down. God this is good, I finish my food, run upstairs to start some laundry, and down again before the show leaves commercial, success, and I smile to myself. What is this? Smiling? Hmmmmm, odd. I finish up the show, and go back to the kitchen, the rest of the day goes this way.

Around 5 I feed baby E the left over meal I got from Home Chef this week, pour myself some Tito’s and Diet crystal light, add some cherries and order my guilt pleasure from peace love and pizza. I shouldn’t but I am just doing my thing today, I am on call I reason. Back to the kitchen, cleaning the hinges, using a toothbrush, soak them, dry them, bring them down to the lower deck with a can of silver spray paint and get to work. I lay down the paper and card board talking to a small bee to please leave this area, she finally flies away, sort of and I set up the area for the spray paint. Old to shiny silver change is immediate, I line up the screws and spray them as well. Back up the stairs more painting and laundry while listening to a pair of Gods/monsters fighting for their world and love to be safe. She dies saving him, she awakes in the afterworld seeing her long dead sister, and the two male warriors show themselves when she realizes she has slipped back in time. And that is the END? Are you kidding me? this is book fucking four, and book five is not just an instant buy to stay in this escape of mine. Ugh, painting needs time to dry so I get myself some pizza, start my series again watch another episode, one drink goes down, a second and before I look at the watch it is 8 pm. “walk walk?” I say out loud and E lifts his head from the couch. I find my shorts, get the doggy bags and snacks and head down to the lake. A car is there so I am watchful for another off leash dog, but it ends up being two young men fishing off the public dock. I smile at them in my painting clothes, a black old t shirt, with HOL on the front and SPAZ on the back, it is an old shirt and one of my favorites, my green paint spattered shorts as well. I look a mess and I do not care. I have my glasses on, my hair up in a mess bun and green/grey paint all over me. Baby E smells, wagging his tail totally content on watching the sky turn into twilight and enjoying the smells in the grass. We loop around and end up making a lazy slow walk back up the hill towards my grey lady. I pour a drink, grab a candle, my computer and set myself up on the porch. I am in heaven, the sky is loosing light and looks like the sky is back lit like a movie. Baby E is on his long leash that I bought when he was recovering from his knee surgery, he winds up back next to me. I open my computer and there is my blog waiting for me to post, I start compiling my day while I hear crunching leaves to the right of me, I stand grabbing my computer, thinking it is the cat of the hood. E stands up as well and we see the lady deer walks up the driveway and cut across the front lawn. “same one from this morning? What do you think Baba? He has his ears pricked up and we both watch her cross the yard. Watching her makes me notice all the fireflies all over the area, the crickets, the frogs and the rest of the natures night time singers are waking up. I watch the night come alive moment by moment, and I remember how much I use to sit outside. I save the draft of this post, close the computer and rest my back against the wicker white bench, watching the day go to bed and the night come alive. Candle lite flickers against my legs and I close my eyes. I inhale deeply, holding it just a brief second and let it all out. I open my eyes, smile down to baby E, “come on E lets go inside, it is time.” I bring in my computer drink and dog, leaving he lit candle on the porch. I take off E’s collar and hang it up in the small closet. I head back outside and grab the three wick candle carefully balancing it. I raise it to my lips and blow, the light is gone instantly. “Thank you for your light” I nod. As I am holding the smoking candle, I look out from my porch smile, head inside, and close the heavy front door, locking it for the day.

A new chapter is beginning, I can feel it.

where have you been

Tags

alone, here again, life, love, mental-health, writing

Has it actually been over a year since I have poured my heart out in words? I have been making posts over and over in my head since then, I should have been writing in a paper journal, alas I am not. I just do not know if I want my sister or my ex to be reading my inner most thoughts. I mean it sucks actually, I may have to start another blog, and what would that be, a fifth or sixth one at this point? I truly have lost count.

I want it to rain, I want a full on, lose power, thunder storm. I would like to sit on my front covered porch, drink a cold drink and enjoy a spring thunderstorm. I have been told that we are in a drought state, lacking rain, so there is a fire ban at the moment. I do miss fires at night with everyone around, having a beach fire is one of my most favorite memories. The beach the waves, the sweet noise of water crashing on the sand, the flames fighting the wind coming off the water, and the sky I blowing everything away. Yes that is one of my best memories, I so wish I could do it again, maybe someday.

No beach vacation this year, but a vacation over the 4th of July for sure. I have rented a cabin in Blue Ridge for long weekend this year, and it is just my sister, my first born son, his girlfriend and myself. I am hoping the rest of my crew come up for a day adventure, maybe, probably not but one can hope. Somewhere inside I still do have hope, against all odds, deep inside their still is a flame of hope, that cannot be extinguished.

life has been plotting on, I have 2 grandsons, with another one on the way, and with all that energy and joy, I am more depressed then ever. I am so tired, just so fucking tired, I just wish time would slow down a bit now. I would like to remember the energy and the spark I had, I hate to think it is gone. Maybe this is just a transitional state, or am I just fucking with my own self, probably, however you already know, since you are reading this in the future.

I still have the same job and I am lead at least once a week. I am very good at it, it is exhausting but rewarding. I like seeing all my co-workers at the main hospital, even if that ONE asshole doctor is there. I may not be in on all the new amazing surgical procedures, however, I can run that department smooth and dependable while the superstars are performing the surgeries. I make it seamless, and I am quite proud of that. I have learned a lot being at this job and I am thankful for it, I do wish that my good friend at my outer office was happier, she so deserves it. She is such a hard worker, but I am afraid that her she has lost sight of the things that are important to her. However she has been back stabbed by her closest employees and I know how that smarts. So I try to make her happy and laugh when we work together. This schedule does seem to work for me, however for baby E, not so much.

Baby E has torn his Acl and has had surgery this past January, we are still recovering. I still have one twin mattress in my front room the last 3 plus months. I was sleeping with him on the floor on a second twin mattress for a week or so. I missed my bed too much and was not functioning well at work so up the stairs we went, I had a large bath towel under E’s hips to help him up the stairs. I have also had the dog walker sometimes twice a day, if I am working in ATL. I have paid off baby E’s surgery, and I am trying to be better with my money overall.

I will do a spell soon to help everything.

I have missed you immensely and I hope to post again soon.

where is that girl?

Tags

child spirit, family, fiction, growth, intuition, lettinggo, life, love, moving on, Trauma, warriorspirit, Witchcraft, writing

I was drawn to the cabinet, something inside of my gut just kept pulling me towards it. “open it, open it, that one, go to it, open it, look inside” pulling me towards it until I relented. I knew what was in the cabinet, I put everything in there, I touched every thing, in that drawer and cabinet. I filled all those photo albums, touched all those DVD’s, labelled them, and stored them. Why do I need to look now? I still was pulled there. I leaned into that pull and I grabbed what I thought was pulling me, it was an envelope of old pictures you would get from a school photo shoot. Prom pictures of my FD and her friends from senior year, photos of my sons from there pre-k school and soccer from when we lived back by Chicago. It was old newspaper articles of the salesman when he was a track star in high school, pictures of him in the paper and then I found my old cheer leading pictures, and then my old junior year yearbook 1986. I wrote the opening paragraph on the first page of the yearbook, tons of messages from old classmates on page after page, pages of layouts that I picked out. I can remember so much of that year and of that yearbook. I can remember being in that year and being that person. I can remember her, I can remember her energy and her joy, and her love for life. I can remember her positive energy, her love of everyone and how more people just meant more friends, and more connections. I can remember looking forward to the next day, making goals, laughing in the hallways, looking forward to the Friday night game and the Saturday night dance. I can remember my parents at home and my brother working for the pizza place. I can remember my sister away at college and walking to work at the grocery store only a few blocks away. I can remember the feel of my key in the front door of my childhood home. I can remember having friends and being so surrounded by love. I can remember a future that was limitless.

And then I am rushed through a tunnel of time and shoved back into the now, into this reality, to be who I am right now. The pain rushes back through my veins cementing into my heart through tears that have never quite healed. The weight of being my 55 yourself hits me and I am slammed back here, back into now, back into myself, who still loves to hold onto the pain and trauma who made me who I am today.

I earned every fucking one of those scars

I am every one of those punctures of my skin, tears through my muscle, shreds of my heart. I AM every gouge of my soul, every year I have ever shed, every hug I gave myself in the shower to help the child in me. I am every fucking moment of every fucking battle that I have ever gone through. I am stronger than that girl walking the hallways in high school. I am more than her light of yellow. I am a diamond white light that can encompass everyone and everything in it’s path. But how can I hold onto that young girl with all her energy, love, joy and hope in humanity, hope in everyone, hope in love and let her shine when I have become a woman that has seen the black of hopelessness? How do I keep the energy, love and hope of that energetic ball of life, after I have seen the fall out?

I love both sides of myself and I do not think I can let go of my pain or trauma or the things that make me, me. I love the pain, I hold onto it, it makes me stronger, it keeps me safe, it shows me how to keep plowing through my life, how to move forward and drag my children with me. I DO NOT want to let go of that warrior, I WILL not let go of that warrior. If I let go of the pain, does that let go of the warrior? How do I put all of me together? Does it even matter? Are I not already that woman? I am already the girl that became the woman that I am now. I need to let the girl out front to stand next to the warrior and let her yellow gold light remind me of the good in life and the good in people. I need that girl to teach the woman how to trust again.

And there it is there is the lesson

the pull is dissipating

I put the envelope back, I put the yearbook back, push in the drawer, pack it all back into it’s home. Look for the key, push everything back into place, pull the door closed and lock it in place. I need that girl, I need her to help the woman. I need that yellow light to balance myself yet again. I need to trust that girl, I need to trust hope, I need to trust love, I need to trust the process.

I hope I am strong enough to let the girl lead

grey towels

Tags

children, empty nester, empty-nest, family, lettinggo, life, motherhood, moving, moving on, new grandma, next phase of life, parenting, singlemom, witch house, Witchcraft

” Do you have my grey bath towels?” I asked my FB son. “No, Mom, Why?” I sigh “I cannot find a single one of them. I do not know where they have gone?” I asked every one of my kids and I think even my sister? Well probably not, but I still cannot find them. Tuesday of this week I went through every single drawer in every single room, up the stairs, open the door, turn on the light, pull open the drawer, close the drawer, open the next drawer, dig, dig, dig, close the drawer, open the closet turn on the light, dig, dig and dig some more, close the door. Walk to the next room, over and over and over again. Including the garage to find my missing grey bath towels. And I have not found them. Speaking about this situation at work I was told that I should ask my house, so I said that I would and I did. After all a witch’s house is suppose to be “alive” is it not?

“Tressa, I say, (My house’s name is Tressa) I’d like my grey towels back, if you have them. I realize you may like the color grey, as I do since I painted your outside grey, but I kinda of would like my bath towels back. Thank you.” I said out loud, and so far nothing, although it has only been a day or two I believe. Maybe they will turn up sooner or later. I do talk to my house everyday when I leave it as I talk to baby E, “Tressa, thank you for keeping me warm and safe, please keep baby e safe and warm. And baby E do not eat Tressa, be good, I will be back soon. Love you both” as I lock the door on my way to work.

After looking through this wonderful house of 5 bedrooms and 2.5 baths with my wonderful red great room, I sighed and said “this house is so big” and then I said to myself in my head, maybe it is just a bit too big for me and baby e. This is a thought that has been in my head since 2014, I was advised by my divorce lawyer in 2014 that I should sell the house and think about moving. That was an adamant NO! I would NEVER sell my house, I LOVE my house, it is my home, it is my children’s home and I will keep things as stable as possible during this time of turmoil. And I did just that, I kept the house, I kept my children’s world stable as I gradually let go of the reins on them, letting them go to college and move into adulthood. This house has seen my children from first grade and hell even preschool until now my first grandchild. I have owned Tressa for over 2 decades and she has been a loyal and steadfast friend, always dependable, always here, always loyal, always well just – HOME. This house is my home, she is my Home, HOme, HOMe, HOME. And now with the missing grey towels, my grip is loosening, it may be time for Tressa to be some other families home. Just writing that sentence hurts my heart.

So over the months, well to be honest maybe over this last year, I have been preparing myself to sell my dream home. I would like one more Christmas here with my children and their spouses and all the grandchildren to come, then I may be ready to let Tressa become someone else’s safe haven. A new life and home is out there for me somewhere. If I can let go of Tressa, I would be able to get my beach house and have a legacy to leave my children and grand children. If I can let go of my stable piece of this past life, which in all reality was just me all along, I can move forward into the next phase of my life. I can start the legacy that I have always imagined in my future and bring it to fruition.

Those missing grey towels may have just changed the direction of my life

Night shift

Tags

2025, adult children, baby, breastfeeding, family, first time parents, motherhood, new grandma, no sleep, parenting, respecting boundaries, sleep

twenty-three hours I was away from baby e yesterday and I felt so bad. I of course asked for help in my group family text and it was suggested by my son in law that his father would come and stay with baby E, and well yeah that did not happen. So baby e, I left at 5:53 am Saturday morning and came home on 5:35 am Sunday morning with only 1.75 hours of sleep.

My FD had her baby on 12/20/2024 and her husband ended up needing emergency surgery to remove his appendix on 1.3.25. I went shopping with my FD on 1.2.25 for some nursing bras, and while we were shopping, my FDH stomach started to hurt, so by 5 am the next morning he was in the ER and then had surgery on 1.3.25, he came home the same day, but of course was loaded up on pain meds and could not pick up anything over 10 lbs. You would think First Daughter’s Husbands Father ( FDHF) would step up and help out. Well guess who is sick, again, oh you know, FDHF is sick, so he cannot help, mind you he lives with them. My daughter is basically doing it all by herself and is exhausted so I ofc stepped in and fucking depleted myself so a totally useless point today. I did get to spend 23 hours with my grandson though and it was gloriously exhausting. Of course, my FD is not listening to me with a schedule and instruction and God forbid my experience. Once I sent both my FD and my FDH to bed, I was able to do things on my own. I did end up heating up his formula, which they were not doing, it seemed odd to me. It turns out that they were feeding him cold bottles his whole life, well, well, I never heard of that. So I did heat up his bottles, he was a bit fussy and he poops a ton every time he eats. And the rule that my FD wants me to follow is after he eats he needs to be upright for 15 minutes, even sitting in his own filth. It is supposedly to help him not spit up, however I did see him spit up twice over the course of the day, which is normal for any baby I believe. However after the night his butt is getting red, and I think it is because he is sitting in his mess for 15 minutes. He is adorable, but such NOT a good sleeper. and now since FDH is limited with his movements and needs to sleep, it has been a challenging few days. I may do another night shift next Friday but we will see, especially since my FD just scolded me over text for sleeping with her son in my arms, cause it is a SIDS risk. (lets just forget that I have to be CPR certified every 90 days and that does include infant CPR)

You just have got to LOVE FUCKING FIRST TIME PARENTS

I felt so bad for baby e since he was alone most of the day. I had FDHF come over at 11 am to open the doggie door and spent time with him. I locked him in because I had the gutter guy coming out to clean the gutters so I needed to lock him in when I left at 5:50 am, but I did have the doggy door open again by 11am. I texted my dog walker lady and she did not get back to me until later, so she did walk baby e around 12, and then my sister came at 4:30 fed him dinner, and less left then an hour later. So baby e was alone from 5:30pm until I walked in a 6 am the next morning. Baby E actually whined for me, and he never does that, I felt so bad, but I did want to help my FD and her family. Even though she has three adults living at her house and if she would stop being so picky about things, she could have three adults in the rotation and everyone could get at least 5 hours of sleep at a time. But what do I know? I am just a Mom of three including twins, so what could I possibly know. I am trying to be good, but it is 8:32 here now and I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I think I will be headed to bed shortly. Tomorrow I am working at my close hospital and have a Kroger pick up scheduled to make Chili which I will drop off at my daughter’s house so they can have a meal already cooked for Wednesday’s night dinner.

I really wish my Mom helped me as much as I am helping my FD, but I did have my Mother in Law and she and her sister in law, my Aunt thru marriage ( it was my mother in law’s brother’s wife, Aunt H) and she actually did more for me and my kids then my own mother did. Sad actually, and I plan to NOT be that type of grandma.

I am exhausted and headed to bed, hopefully my brain works better tomorrow.

Sleep well everyone, hopefully for more than 1.75 hours at a time.

Not a Priority

Tags

empty-nest, independence, love, selflove, single-woman, writing

Virgin River is a hopeless romantic hokey Netflix series and I have watched every single episode. I so hope to find love again, but I do not have any hope. It sure seems that everyone in my life, actually in my “circle” has let me down. And I am just so fucking over it. and what triggered this? A text message

A spontaneous text message to my family, so my brothers in Chicago and my sister, with an idea to book a cabin in between their state and my state which for Thanksgiving. And of course it becomes a shit show because my sister in law in added and she basically said. ” nice idea but not practical” I said what I so wanted to say for so fucking long. But essentially I am not a priority in my brother’s life’s and I have never been. I have always tried to get them to come with on our annual Beach trip, and every fucking time, I am told NO. I just do not count, and I am so fucking SICK of not being counted, of not being a fucking priority. And that is the problem right there. I am sick of trying to sit at tables where I am no longer welcome.

I WANT A TABLE WHERE I AM WELCOME

I will no longer try to be in a place where I am not welcome. I will no longer give to anyone who does not fill up my cup first. I will no longer tolerate disrespect. I will lean into me. me, Me, ME, ME, I do not want to be hiding my fucking personality anymore. I no longer want to dim myself because it makes other people uncomfortable. I want to be unequivocally me, for now and forever.

Black moon

Tags

all new things, family, ice-skating, journaling, manifestation, new-years-eve, self-love, single-life, skating, Witchcraft, writing

Yesterday it was a black moon and the last one of 2024, I did work on a witchy manifestation and of course I cannot tell you what it is well just because, one does not tell. I sit here watching Cnn New Year’s Eve by myself with my baby E who is quite content since he is not meeting the fireworks alone. I did try to go out tonight. I got myself all ready and looked pretty good, if I do not say myself, my sister and I headed to the The Mill for a NYE celebration. We planned on ice skating first since the rink was open until 8 pm, we left my house around 5, parked and walked around. We found the tent with the rink and discovered it closed at 6 pm. It was 6:07 pm at this moment, I asked if I could just look into the rink to see what it was all about. It actually is a HUGE rink, a full rink and I would have loved to skate on it tonight, but I guess not.

I texted w on Christmas Eve to say “Merry Christmas” and ask about his hernia surgery which he was suppose to have mid December. He did not have the surgery, he has another CT scheduled for I believe it was 12/26, and then surgery for late January. And that was it. I did then send him a picture of my grandchild and all he said was Congratulations and that was that. Not once did he ask how I was? or anything, odd, don’t you think. I mean when he was here over my birthday weekend, I did tell him I was not comfortable with him staying with me. I never said that I did not want to see him or spend time with him, I even wanted him to come with to the Fair celebration for my birthday, However, everything just shut the fuck down, he did not come to the fair or want to see me or my kids?? I hate the WEED, I hate the smell of it, I hate the motivation it steals from him and I just generally HATE WEED. And all w does is smoke weed, I think it helps him deal with things and who does not have a vice, for fucks sake! But it is time to face the world without weed, stop stinking up the world and deal with your life. It truly huts that he does not even care about anyone else in my life? in his best friend’s sister’s life? Does he not care about his EX step kids worlds’? I guess not. I guess if he isn’t getting sex, sleeping with me, or having me be up his ass, nothing else matters. Interesting, isn’t it?

It is sad actually, aren’t I worth someone caring about MY WORLD?

Screenshot

As I am sitting on my couch I have the perfect view out my long narrow fireplace window to the fireworks exploding across the sky. I do love fireworks, it makes me sad that baby E is scared of them, kinda puts a damper on things. I so do wish I had a significant other to ring in the new year with, I would so love to have a good new years Eve. What a bucket list thing that would be, maybe this next New Year’s Eve, I will have a true partner, one that helps with finances, one that wants to know my family just to be closer to me, someone who can help me laugh more, someone who can help me be a better human, a man who protects me, provides for me and take cares of me. A man who is financially secure and wants to make/keep/teach me how to be financially secure, a man who I can fully trust who is worthy of my trust, a man who owns a ranch and multiple horses. A hard working man who believes in family and will love my kids as his own. I will love to manifest this in the future.

2024 has been a year.

I am not quite sure if it has been good, bad, trying, happy, hopeless, miserable, loving, adventurous, striking, humbling, humiliating, learning, joyful, relaxing or quiet. I do know it has been life changing.

I am a grandma, a NANA, this is a great adventure I am so looking forward too.

Happy New Year everyone, we all have a clean slate tomorrow!

I have missed you, so many times I have written blog entries in my mind, so many times have I wanted to come here and write out what my mind has been screaming out in the background. I have tried, yes, yes, I have tried but I somehow could not log in. I was blocked from my blog for one reason or another, and tonight I am finally given access to this virtual journal.

Things are changing, I can feel them something is coming and it will be scary but good. I am so ready, I am ready for the next chapter in my life to begin. Speaking of new chapters, I will be a Nana by the end of the year. My FD is pregnant with my first grandchild, a boy, and he will be here in December. I am hoping that that brings me some hope and joy, and some reason to keep on moving forward. I sometimes do not know where my life is headed. I have fucked up so much of my life so far and I am more than half way through this life so what am I doing???? I wish I knew.

I am sorry that this is not some epic blog post, and I am just rambling like I do. You will be happy to know that I am working on not drinking every night and I did very well the last two weeks. Alas tonight is Saturday so you have Tito’s on board right now, I have been thinking about my first blog a lot and I actually tried to Google it and I could not find it?!?!?!? WTF, yup that is right, I am sure that I will spend sometime tonight trying to find it.

I have been looking back a lot and I seem to have a problem letting go of my pain. I just do not think that the world understands what I have been through but does the world care? I do not think so, and am I really that special? No no no I think not.

I guess I just feel empty, I feel less than, I am one half of a whole that is not here, that is who I am. My old life when I was married to my children’s father LOOM’s right there in front of me, and I just feel, so, so, so LESS. I just feel like my life here is not the life that I am MEANT to be living. Does that make sense? I am one half of a whole and I am just that, I am a half, just a half of a whole. No wonder I feel like I am empty. WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE? WHY THE FUCK AM I HAVING THESE EMOTIONS?

And Why Can’t I Go Back?

Tags

alone, help, lettinggo, loss, love, need, recovery, singlemom

I almost texted him. I brought his name up and wrote out the text and then just hit the black “x” in the upper right corner. Jesus! Why is he in my head every fucking day. I miss him. I so miss him. I am not doing good lately. I should be but I am not. I am totally self conscious of everything, I am second guessing all of my words, all of my actions, I am having nightmares, reliving snaernios in my fucking head. “I am NOT THIS PERSON! I DO NOT SECOND GUESS MY ACTIONS!?!” So why the fuck am I having such a hard time. I cannot be alone with my mind! I am feeling everything, I am second guessing everything, what the fuck is happening?

I just want to be buried in Mr w’s chest, I do not want to think, I do not want to feel. I just want to be with him. And then I wake up alone, empty, and joyless. This is my everyday life. I am not happy. I do not have friends ( maybe I do not deserve them), I am barely hanging on, and no one knows. I am just dragging myself forward at a snail’s pace, what is so wrong with me? Where has all my self confidence gone?

I hate my body. I hate not having my boobs. I look at my chest and I want to vomit. I am not this person who has no boobs. I am not this wimp of a woman who cannot stand up under the weight of everyone else’s expectations!! I hate my chest. I hate this body I am trapped in.

Is this the rest of my life? Am I trapped here? WTF

I NEED help. I NEED HELP. I need help. What is so wrong with me that I can feel everything and just react to nothing? Why can’t I be loved? Why Can’t I love? Why can’t I have who I want? Why is everything so fucking hard? Why am I here?

getting older is shit.

I miss him

I miss him everyday

I miss him

god help me

Waves on fire

Tags

alone, lettinggo, Miss you, recovery

My heart hurts. It feels like I just got hit by a lamp post straight to my chest, my heart is pounding and I draw in a huge, panicked breath, then my eyes open. I bring my hands to my sternum and just take deep breath after deep breath as the nightmare crashes over me. It’s him again, the salesman and he just revealed to me that he cheated on me the whole time we were ever together. Every age from 14 to 44, I am shown pictures of necklaces of his that I gave him or he gave me, that he wore all the time, and now I can see that they are superimposed and the necklace I gave him is really not there, they are different ones’, one’s from all the other girls he had. All the other women that I just could not prove he was fucking around with. Why the hell is this in my fucking head?!! Why does this hurt so much when I haven’t even been with him for 10 years, why is it an hour after I woke up to this hell and my heart is still pounding and my chest physically hurts? Why, why, why? Was I ever in love with anyone who loved me for me?

My second husband I cannot even tell you, I gave him everything again and it was not reciprocated back. And he cannot even see it! For someone who is supposedly logical, he cannot even see the whole picture. WTF, I truly give up. Why should anyone even have a relationship with anyone, if it only results in pain. I have put myself on bumble and almost match and the emails and message coming from men are overwhelming, there are a bunch of boys parading as men who are very very desperate. Why can’t you meet someone organically anymore? But do I even want too? Every relationship is effort and I do not know if I even have enough effort for the relationship with myself. I stop, take a long slow deep breath and still feel the throbbing of my broken heart, I am right back in that fucking betrayal, pain, hurt, why give your heart to anyone, even family hurts you and is a big disappointment. Is this the sign that I am not ready to start dating ever, and i just need to plow forward in life alone? At least then it is only me giving up on myself and then I cannot blame anyone else, but isn’t that what I have been doing for the last few years?

I lean my head back on my old green chair in my great room and stare out the glass windows to my left into the trees. It is a grey hazy day with a slow drizzle being released from the blanket of thin clouds. “with or without you” plays from U2 as I have Sad Song radio playing on my Pandora. Maybe today is just my day to hurt, to be sad, to crawl into my soul and rock myself, Maybe I am just meant to be alone, and I should stop talking to the bumble guy and stop putting myself out in the world. My vision starts to shake as the vertigo comes on and I just stare straight trying to make sure that my head doesn’t start spinning as my hearing becomes a crashing rain stick, my neck tenses and I try to just breath and breath. The dizziness is back, but lets be serious did it ever go away? Kiss me by Ed Sheeran is playing I close my eyes go with the spinning and twirl my hair. My ever thinning hair as my sister pointed out to me, it is much much thinner than it was 4 years ago, I guess this is aging, joy, thanks for noticing it sis. At least I can buy hair, but you cannot really buy yourself thinner can you, well maybe through plastic surgery which I have had. Speaking of surgery, still HATE my boobs, still feel like a boy, still feel ugly. I am again on a diet and need to lose about 7 to 10 pounds, which I will by the time I go on vacation.

Yes vacation with my sister, and daughter my only two friends and to tell you the truth, the both stress me out. I am just always giving, giving, giving to everyone and I am always leaving myself in a deficit. How long does it take for me to give to me as much as I give to everyone else? Who is my safety net? Where is my superman, or hell I’ll take the Witcher, even better. Welcome to my pity party folks. “Pictures of you (2010 Remaster)” by the Cure is playing and again the salesman is in my head. An old FB high school guy sent me the messages he had between the salesman and him, after the salesman killed himself. The salesman said something about me and how he could replay all our moments in his head as pictures and he often did to this song. There is a whole album of my family online that is connected to his blog, it is out there for the whole world to see. God I was so in love with him and my family, it was my whole world, and now all I have is this big old house, an aggressive dog, and old furniture. Where the fuck did my joy go?

Maybe this is just aging, you get old, cannot see, hear less, physically feel awful, and lonely all the time. Your kids grow up and move away, and treat you like shit, family is no longer the family you knew. Your siblings are busy with their wives and kids and your kids are busy making their new lives with wives, husbands, in-laws, etc. But I feel left here alone, living with my shadows, just with painful memories and pain every fucking day from my job. I wake up dizzy and/or in pain and it carries through the day until I can finally sit on my couch and numb out with netflix.

This is week three of no drinking during the week and what is better? Not my under eye circles, not my pain, not my depression, not much. I am sleeping better, however after this most recent nightmare, am I? Am I really? Was Tito’s just blocking all of this? Or is today just a bad morning? “I am Mess” by Ed Sheeran is playing now. Why am I back here, Am I really just this 14 year old girl who is a wreck, stumbling through my life just trying to run away from heartbreak and love?

I should have never gone to the 2 year college, I should have gone away to college and studied medicine. I should be a doctor like I always want to be, I should have followed my dreams and not stuck around in my hometown waiting for the salesman to come home. I should have been stronger, I should have picked myself over everyone else. I should, I should, I should. Maybe I should just start drinking again.

Cheers. “Warning sign” by Coldplay in the background