I look like shit today, and my contacts are stuck to dry eyes. I spent most of yesterday at work, in the car on the way home from work, in tears. Once I got home I went straight to my bedroom and yup, cried. I HATE to cry, I HATE to be vulnerable, I HATE to be a girl, and have such emotions. I am numb today. My body aches, my head is fuzzy, and everything is depleted. Can anyone tell? Does my body, face and outward demeanor reflect what my emotions are doing? I guess it does not, because nobody has said anything. He talked to me last night and he ended up saying some pretty harsh stuff. I was crying when he came home, and he was sweet, made dinner, got more firewood after I started the indoor fire. I am a “acts of service” type of love language so this did soften me and I did actually smile. My daughter, he and I all watched TV together and then he texted me, ” you unfriended me?!?!?” I replied ” Yes” ” why” pause then I said “if I am not with you, I don’t want to see what you are doing” he said ” can we talk?” I heard my phone go off, but didn’t look at it. Mind you, he is sitting about 6 feet from me, then another text “hello?” So we go upstairs to talk, and well basically he had a plan to live in my basement, and pay me rent. I said No, I mean isn’t that what he is suppose to be doing anyway? So how would this be different now? it would not, so again all words, all promises and no action. He did not like that I did not accept his proposal. He then said ” I should have listened to your brother, he said you’re fucking nuts”. I just looked at him, as I was sitting on the bed, in a ball, holding a pillow over my knees. I was in shock, he leaves the room, I am still sitting there, tears running down my face, he comes back in the room and says “No wonder you have no friends and you’re fucking family likes me better than you” BAM, sucker punch, he slams the door and goes downstairs, I lock the door, and return to the bed. Drink vodka, take 1/2 an ambien and cry myself to sleep. Why did he have to be mean?
I woke up at 2 AM, restless, he is in my head now, and I am hurt. I toss and turn for about an hour, before I fall asleep. The alarm goes off at 5:15 am, I hit the snooze, open my eyes and I can tell that they are puffy from crying all night. Shit, Great, Fucking Great. I pull my feet from under the covers, turn on the light, clear the alarm on my phone, and pet my dog. And then he is in my room. I head to the kids bathroom in the hallway, and turn on the water, to rinse my face, use the facilities and take a deep breath. Back into the hallway I go, and there on the carpet is a pile of pooh, my daughter’s new dog gave me a present. I don’t even care, grab some toilet paper, snatch it up, and flush it. I go downstairs, cause I don’t want to be upstairs, wash my hands. Shit is is freezing down here. I grab a towel, wipe my hands, and get a coffee mug from the cabinet. I pull the coffee pot off the burner while it is filling and the hiss sound of the coffee hitting the burner goes off, it is spilling over and I don’t even care. Fill my cup, return the pot, feed both dogs, sigh. I will have to go upstairs to get dressed. and Why is he in my room? Up the stairs I go, I am exhausted, do not want to talk or fight or do anything. He is in the bathroom, so I get dressed in the main room, fast and quick because I do not want him to see me naked. And it is cold this am. I get dressed and need to get into the bathroom, he finally emerges, looks at me, and I can not look at him. I can’t, if I do I will cry again, and I have to put my contacts in. I manage to get into the bathroom, put in my eye drops, rinse my face, with cold water, hoping that gets rid of some of the eye swelling. Wet an hand cloth, and press it to my eyes, wasting time, hoping he will go downstairs, and leave me to my misery. No such luck, I have to get in the bedroom, and get my contacts, makeup, etc. I open the door and start my routine. “Fuck, I look like a wreck” I said out loud, and now he is looking right at me, standing beside my vanity, and I am hunched over the magnifying mirror, looking at what a fucking mess, I am. I sip my coffee, and move forward. ” I wish you would talk to me” he says. I say “what about? More words, and no action?” and then I look straight at him, narrow my eyes, and I can feel the pure anger, venom coming out of my look and say ” You were cruel last night, and I have not been cruel — yet. If that is where we are going, I warn you, I am very very very good at cruel.” Remove my eyes from his and get back to getting ready. He says “Haven’t you ever said anything out of anger before?” “Of course” I reply “just not like that” I finish getting ready and he moves to the bed to pet the dogs. I go downstairs once I am done, and continue to get ready for work. I am up too early, but I needed to be up early to get stuff for the divorce papers. I asked him for his Social Security number yesterday and he did not give it to me. I asked again last night, no answer. “I need your social security number for the lawyer, the more times I have to email him the more expensive it gets.” I dig through my files to find my financial records, loan amount, house appraisal, etc, everything I need for my now second divorce. My eyes fill with tears, again, JESUS!, I just did my makeup, I can’t cry already. I swallow them back, eat the pain, and take a breath, I find my first divorce records and make a noise, how fucking ironic. Well my head says, “at least you may be able to use some of those records for this one”. I add that to my growing pile of papers that I need to complete the divorce records. That is why I am up early, and the procedure I have scheduled at 7:30 am. A favor to the doctor and patient so it fits in with their schedules. I look at my phone, it is still too early, so I sit in the front room sipping my coffee. He comes in the room and sits across on the other couch, “Do you love me?” he says. “Yes, I love you, but that is not the problem here” I reply. “Love does not make things work, time, effort, communication, and doing what you say works” Again I reiterate “how long did you think, you would get? Promising me things and not doing them? That is how the world works, you can not say you are going to send the email, and not send it. You cannot say you are going to call your daughter, and not call her. You cannot say I will not be supporting you, and move here and not get a job.” Same ole same ole, for the past few days. I am tired of this conversation. He says “I will get a job” , and I said “I have heard that before.” We talk some more, and I am just so fucking tired, I am depleted, and I hate to feel this way. I get up to leave, refill my coffee, and he turns to me and says “Can I have a hug?” “I can’t even look at you, if I do that I will cry” I reply. He opens his arms and I move into them knowing that I will be a mess. He hugs me tight, rubs my back and says “I am so so so sorry.” I slam my eyes shut, trying to hold off my heavy breathing sobs, as tears blur my vision. I break away, grab my coat, purse and coffee, and run to the car. To a save place, one of only a few I have left. I put the car in reverse it smashes over the dead leaves on the driveway, making a crunching noise. I head off to work, with all my papers in my bag ready to complete the paperwork for the second divorce.
My head is a mess, I can hardly see, but I cannot pull over because he is right behind me leaving to drive lyft today. I wipe my eyes and force myself to concentrate on just this one moment, it works, Thank God for traffic.