Hope

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hope

The anxiety was creeping into my brain, so I rushed about the house doing chores, trying to calm the stress in my mind.  It was a spectacular sunny day, bright, cheery, even with a breeze which never happens in Georgia. I made the appointment last week on a whim, I actually was in the car with Mr. Wonderful he was driving and it allowed me to look out the window to see what was there.  “Is that a bridal shop?” W says “huh?”  I was talking always talking, and I am sure W tunes me out most of the time, and that is fine, he should or else he will have the real mumbling of my mind, constantly droning on and on.  I pick up my phone and google it.  Sure enough, it is, a small tiny bridal boutique right in my home town.  As the weeks went by I totally forgot about it, after all I have my dress, I got it in November of last year.  And it is beautiful, it is off white and has some pink, blue in it, even had butterfly appliques that were subtle and a corset back, it was like a heavenly costume to be worn in a renaissance fantasy movie. I love it and I bought it on the spot, took it home the same day, and it hangs in my closet.   As time went by, I had a nagging feeling that I did not like it, that it was too costumey for a wedding, and I did not want to look like a princess, or a medieval bride.  The word “costume” kept nagging at me, so I would look at the dress again, convince myself I loved it, zip the bag and be confirmed that I made the right choice.  But………….. the little boutique kept coming up in my head, so one day I just went to the website. After several looks at the place, I finally clicked on the sample gown section, and that was it.  I saw this dress with the back open with lace across it, and I loved it.  I wanted lace, I wanted lace, oh boy.  again after many looks at all the sample gowns, I on a whim made an appointment, via email.  Sent off the contact information, and thought that was that.  I did not really want an appointment, and I should not get one because I already have my dress.  The white envelope on the blue square shows the little number one, I open the email not thinking anything after all it has been days since I sent of the request, and I actually forgot I did.  Because I have a dress, and I have no money, and I should not be spending more, I need to be making more, and concentrating on what needs to be done for the wedding, blah, blah, blah.  I got an appointment for Sunday at 2 pm, I agree and keep it to myself.  I actually did not even tell my daughter or sister until the day before, and my sister actually went with me.  I wish my daughter could have too, but she was working and after all I did not give anyone notice.  I got the appointment because they had a cancellation, and wasn’t I lucky to just email at the correct day.  Oh boy, so as the week went by I kept having negative thoughts and worry dancing through my head.  “I have a dress. I can just cancel the appointment.  Its a waste of time and money”  The days passed and I assured myself that I would cancel it, and just because I have appointment does not mean I will buy anything.  (sure sure just like you go to the pound to only look at the dogs!  the things I tell myself in my head, oh boy)

The day comes and I had a very productive Saturday and a good Sunday morning, so my mood was good, but my anxiety and worry was high.  I meet my sister at the boutique, we are early, as is my nature, and it is just us with the owner.  Tons of dresses line the sides of the shop, and the one I loved is hanging in a dressing room. In MY dressing room! Can you say meant to be?!   I tried it on first and it was stunning, so comfortable, lace for miles, etc, etc.  I almost did not want to take it off, and then I tried on another one, and another and another, until I put on a dress that literally took my breath away.  This one has lace, and it is off white, and it has SPARKLES!!  It glows, and I glowed in it, wow, this was it! I was ecstatic, and this style is no longer being made so no one else moving forward should be able to get it, to get my dress- EVER.  I did not even think about the money, and bought it on the spot, all the while with my first wedding dress neatly packed, with the receipt, in the bag, in the car, steps away from me.

This second dress is amazing, I felt not like in a fairy tale, not too young or too old, it hugs my body in all the right places, was so comfortable, and it just locked all the pieces in my head that were nagging me about the first dress.   It felt perfect, easy, grand, and it confirmed into my head that I was doing the right thing.  The excitement for the wedding is there now, moving forward in this marriage is there, an ounce of trust in W and the security I am realizing I have with him, that I may have finally found someone who loves me like I can love them. That things in my life might actually be o.k. and I may not have to keep looking over my shoulder for the rug to be pulled out yet again.  I may be able to love fully, completely, and trust again. Trust fully, Maybe.  Putting on that dress seems to be the key that opened the door to my future, and I can see how I will be able to trust, I will be able to love, and I will be able to hope again.

Now to just take the steps forward………………….

 

 

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And how do you solve this?

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angelhead

 

Lying in bed this am after I hit the snooze on my phone, thinking.  I am trying to think about my problems or I should say our problems with this new marriage of ours.  It boils down to communication which is really most relationship problems.  So what bothers me the most, or at least what came to mind this am is: He gets mad when I am around other people, when he is not the only person I am paying attention too.  I may not be wording it correctly, but Mr. W is a true introvert, and I am a true extrovert.  This problem bothers me immensely and it does because of……….yes, you guessed it the salesman.

The salesman would demand my attention and if I did not give it to him it was disrespectful, and I mean you are talking about little things to HUGE ones.  For example, the salesman would call me on the way home from work and he would want me to talk to him/entertain him, while he was stuck in traffic.  So I would be making dinner, or feeding the dogs, or doing homework, or housework, basically this is a hugely busy time for a Mom, and it is not the best time to have a phone conversation.  When I would answer the kids while I was on the phone with him, he would get mad and yell at me.  He wanted me to stop the entire world from spinning, drop everything, and pay any and all attention to him.  If I did not he would then be mean, rude, or give me the silent treatment because I did not put him first.  It happened quite a lot, and it always happened when I was with other people, meaning anybody else, anybody even my children.  BUT on the other hand, if the salesman was talking to anyone else and if I interrupted him, or tried to pull him away, GOD FUCKING FORBID, it was like I was disturbing the president. And then he would berate me for again being disrespectful, rude, etc, etc.  And you can only imagine if I did anything like that in front of a person from his work.  I came last, but had to make him first.  Another perfect way a narcissist manipulates people. So again you can see why I have a huge problem with Mr. W getting mad at me when I am with other people and not paying enough attention to him.  I automatically get defensive ( big surprise here, right?) and start pushing away.  I do not want to be manipulated, and I am free to talk to, have fun with, converse with, anyone I want.   And if Mr. W gets upset when I am paying attention to my children, and he walks away, and pouts.  I LOSE it, because I am put right back into a relationship of manipulation.

So I guess that explains my end of it, but why does Mr. W get upset, pouty, quieter ( if that is possible) when we are not alone.  Again, I may be explaining it wrong, because I am not him and I do not know why he does this.  BUT to me it does happen when we are with anyone else  and it does not happen when we are alone. It seems this happens on holidays, weekends, parties, etc.  I do not want my holidays ruined and guess what the last few holidays have been ruined.   So my question to Mr. W is:  Did you always have a problem in your other relationships when you were put into these situations?  Do you realize that you are doing this?  How can you not get mad at me, or withdrawn in social situations?  Is this just your personality, and you can’t help it? But if that is correct, then I cannot help being an extrovert.  So If  I cannot hold you at fault for your personality, you should not hold me at fault for my personality.  I want to be able to be myself in any and all situations and I want him to love me anyway.   Or actually love me because of who I am and what I am! Dam it

What goes through my damaged head is:  IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN, I AM BEING MANIPULATED, ALARM SOUNDS, RUN J, GET OUT, RED FLAG, RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!  but is that just me being defensive, due to my past of having a toxic relationship?  How do you fix this one?  Is it fixable?  and it needs to be fixed because I refuse to live in fear of the holidays, or parties, or having to always think about his needs/wants over mine.  I would like to enjoy my holidays with him, Not in spite of him.

 

So if anyone is out there and has any suggestions, please leave a comment, because I am at a loss.

Worried

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headdown

What do you need to be secure in a relationship? What do you want? I honestly cannot answer that question, because I refuse to give the power to someone to not leave, abandon, and/or betray me.  I will keep my heart guarded and only depend upon myself, so given that as a parameter, how do I feel secure in a relationship?

exactly

Now this is not a new aspect with me, because I can remember when I actually felt OK about things, and I knew that I was secure in my last marriage, I can remember the day. It was in July 2011 in Florida, walking along the beach early in the morning.  My family had just come out of an episode, and for the first time, the salesman maintained a job, and after a few weeks/months of hell, it all settled back into place.  I felt good, relieved, that I had been through hell and I/we were still o.k.  That we were still capable of taking a vacation, and the marriage withstood another manic episode, that would have been the third one? I think so.  I do believe that I actually was like OK, I can do this, I have my family and we can do anything together, I trusted the salesman to be the husband I needed him to be. We were married 18 years at that point, so 18 years of marriage, and I finally felt like I could  trust in my life at that point and could go forward with confidence.

And you all know how that ended up, so it that where my issues with trust come from? or is it deeper than that? I think it is deeper than that, but who the fuck really cares. I am lost again, and do not know why I keep having all these problems with my current relationship.  It is just so fucking hard, I HATE hard, and I am tired.  I cannot take care of myself and take care of this relationship at the same time.  I do not think I know what love is, and I do not trust it at all, one infraction of anything and I am willing to cut and run. I hold myself guarded at all times, and I do not think that guard is coming down anytime soon. So why does Mr. W stay? A million things go through my head, and the least of them is love. He stays because I am his financial backer, I provide a stable house, food, electricity, water, do his laundry, clean his house, care for his dog, schedule things, take him to the gym, give him vitamins, and nag him to do what he needs to do, etc, etc, etc. So he stays because why? exactly.  I do not know.   But what I do know, is that if someone gave me what I am giving him, I would stay too, because that is what I need.   I need financial stability, I need routine, I need someone to take care of me, tell me not to drink, and to take care of me, like I take care of everyone else.  Not that I am doing a good job with taking care of anyone at the present moment, not even my dog.  I have lost my energy, my motivation, my drive to do anything.  I am lucky if I get through the work day.  I am lucky if I can drink my whole container of water at work, and maybe clean the kitchen once a week. I feel burdened constantly, every moment of every day, so to ask me to put any energy towards anything, is just ridiculous.  And now we have another health issue with my daughter, B, sigh.

As you know her blood pressure has been high constantly, so she runs about 135/90 on a good day, and this is under two BP meds, propanolol, and zestril.  We were referred to a nephrologist by her rheumatologist to investigate why her BP is high.  I attributed it to her new med Arava, but the rheumatologist says that is not possible.  So after having a kidney/renal Doppler ultrasound and blood work for the kidney doctor, Dr. C, we went in Friday to get the results.  The blood test results can back slightly abnormal, and the ultrasound was inconclusive, so what does that mean?  More tests, and possibly another disease called muscular fibrodysplasia.  A new word to learn how to spell and another disease to learn about.  So basically this would effect her arteries, specifically the arteries to her kidneys, make them more narrow, which could be the reason for her high BP.  So like I said more testing, more time away from work, more money out of my pocket, and more stress.  My poor baby girl, when does this stop? How much more can she/we take, and this is a constant nagging burden right on my shoulder every. fucking. day.  When do things get easier, when will I not worry about money, and having my whole world come crashing down upon my head. When did I become this person, a worrier, a defensive drunk? I do not know, I do not care, I just want life to be easy, and not have to worry about money, about my relationship, about my attitude, about my drinking, about anything.  I just want to be happy, and when does that happen? Will it ever happen?

 

 

I am so fucking tired, I do not even want to move.  I hate the fact that he can read this blog, so now I will just cancel this blog and write elsewhere, exhausting isn’t it.

So W is mad at me for looking up a house on Saturday.  He blew up and ruined my Saturday day because I looked up at a house with a neighbor that I had a drunk night with.  I do not talk to this man, I do not have his number, I do not have any social media contact with him, but just me looking up at his house can cause a war.  Yeah, not even going to explain more that that, because it is just silly.  And then yesterday is Mother’s day, and he ruined it.  He fought with me all day long, and then has the nerve to grope me when he comes to bed?  Yeah NO!

I have been up since 3 am and it is only 8 am and I am exhausted. My whole body aches, I wanted to stay home today, and just sleep and get things done and I did not.  I am at work because I did not want to stay home with W and fight more.  I am so utterly exhausted mentally. I do not understand why he has to ruin every holiday I have.  It seems that every time my sons come home, W has a problem with it. and Yeah, these are my kids.  I hardly get to see them, and instead of interacting with them, he throws a tantrum, pouts, and makes it uncomfortable for me and my kids.  I do not want this, I don’t.

I need to be alone and get things straightened out.  And why is he doing this?  Why is he being such a baby? I cannot do this anymore.  I want out, I want to be alone, I do not want to babysit a man.  I am so fucking tired of helping everyone, and doing everything, and paying for everything, for my day to get ruined.

If he is like this at 50 he will be like this the rest of his life, and I do not like it.  I don’t like his jealousy, or his tantrums. I need help, I need someone to HELP me, not do this.  But again here is the lesson I must not have learned.  No one will help you, and you have to do it yourself.

Mr. W you need to leave.  This relationship is not working.  I want you out of my house. Maybe if he reads it here, he will understand that we are over, I cannot do this anymore. I am not good for you, and you are not good for me.  Please leave, the sooner the better.  I need to take care of me now, and I do not want to fight anymore with you. I just need to be alone, and pick up the mess again that I have made of my life and yours.

Guarding the fragile heart

The pain is coming and I can feel myself pulling it in closer to my heart.  I can feel the pressure of my fast heart rate, I can feel myself locking it down and my walls being built higher.

“I told you so, everyone always leaves”

“There is no happy ending for you, J”

“Do not ever think that love ever ever ever comes without pain”

“The only one you can depend on is yourself, haven’t you learned that lesson, yet?”

“No one can love you the way you need to be loved”

No one can get through your walls, and that is why you have built them. That is why they keep you safe. That is why you are here. These walls, this thick concrete walls are the only place you are safe. Deep breath, hold it together, you can do this. Who needs emotions anyway.  I can lock all of this away, and survive.  You can always survive, that is what you are good at. Build the wall higher, make your defenses stronger, do not let your heart hurt again, do not let anyone ever see behind this wall again.  One part of me defends, while the other part screams. And she screams and screams and screams as she  falls farther and farther down this hell hole. Let her go, let her scream, let her hurt. The walls are built to keep people away, not to let anyone in. Why did you think otherwise? Did you think that all your lashing out and pushing him away would result in anything else? And now do you think it will be ever possible to let anyone else see behind the wall?

Everyone always leaves, always, Every. Single. Time. You silly, silly girl, how did you not learn that lesson?

Lock everything down now, and be silent.  Time to stop the hurt, deal with the pain, and run run far behind these walls. head

Reflection

I feel like something is way wrong with me and I am out of control.  Everything seems difficult, and I mean everything, like just getting out of bed.  The negative thoughts are back and are constant, and this is suppose to be my good time of the year.

So I gave Mr. Wonderful the link to this blog to explain things and to get inside my head, and he probably will not like a lot of these posts, and I do not blame him.   Just reading some of these posts would make me run the fuck away.  But these are mostly just thoughts, and it is a way to channel out my emotions.  Once I can verbalize things somehow and get my emotions on the page, it feels better.  I guess it is like what a cutter would get from cutting.  I hope he does not get too hurt but these posts, but we all interpret what we want don’t we?

I seriously think I am damaged and way way damaged, maybe even permanently.  I guess you do not realize how damaged your are until you try to have another relationship.  I use to be so good to myself and to others, and now I am just a big useless, defensive, bitch. I guess I should go back to being quiet again, keeping it all inside and just leaving all my doubts, insecurities, pain behind closed doors.  Who could have thought that I would be so complicated.  I actually use to pride myself on not being complicated, HA! Does anyone deserve the right to be in anyone else’s head? I am not so sure now, cause I do believe that everyone has nasty thoughts, and can think truly evil thoughts, but again is that right?  or am I just crazy? I have no fucking idea, but I do believe that I need to start taking care of myself, and I need to start sooner than later.

I just want me back, and I do not know how to do that.

 

 

 

Forgive me but I cannot give you what you want

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I know what he wants me to say.  I know who he wants me to be but I cannot give him what he wants. Forgive me is said from one who does not believe in forgiveness.

I can feel it.  The longing, the want, the need pouring out of the phone.  He needs me to give him what he deserves, what he wants, the love that he has given me should be reciprocated. He gives me what I wanted, what I needed, what I stayed awake all nights for, what I wanted from him.  He, Mr. Wonderful loves me the way I wanted to be loved by the salesman.  Mr. Wonderful loves me the way I loved the salesman.  So Why does that leave me breathless? Why does that leave me sobbing? Why can I not catch my breath? Why do I find myself clutching myself and falling to the floor? Why do I see myself, removing myself from me, stepping back and stopping, and just observing? Who am I? And why can I not give Mr. Wonderful what he needs?

He is so good, he is so much me, so so so, many years ago.  Mr. Wonderful believes in happily ever after, he believes in the benefit of the doubt, he believes that all shall work out in the end, and I so want to give him what he wants.   I want to be that person that I was, I so want to be the person who believed in the good of people.  The person who was always optimistic, the person who always saw the cup half full.  The girl who believed in true love, the benefit of the doubt, the good will always win, the girl who believed that good always won over evil.  I want to be that girl, I want to be that girl for him, for my love, for Mr. Wonderful

 

But I cannot 

It does not mean that I do not try, because I do.  I so try to beat back the nay-sayers of my subconsciousness, but I never win.  I never-ever win.  Why? why do I never win?  Why can I not tell my husband, my wonderful, wonderful husband, why I cannot give him what he wants? What he needs? What he deserves? Because I am not, I am not who he needs.  I am not the person I was, and that is the person he needs. I wish I could just love him the way he needs, the way he wants, the way I could have so very long ago.  So very long ago, when I was who I am, so very long ago when I was me.  I would have been perfect for him, yes, yes I would have been.  I use to be so alive, so unguarded, so me. And now I am not, I am defensive, and guarded and so not me.  Now I am so not me.  So what does Mr. Wonderful get, defensiveness, anger, and silence. I am not good to Mr. Wonderful and I should be, yes I should be, but I cannot.  I do not know why he stays with me, because I am awful to him.  And I do not want to be, but I do not know how to be any other way.  I do not know how to be vulnerable and not be defensive, one did not come without the other.

 

I do not know how to love.  I do not know how to be vulnerable.  I do not know how to give him what he wants/needs/deserve without destroying me. I do not know how to be me and how to love him.  I do not know how to give him what he needs without destroying myself.

I know I am a mess.  I know that I am not what he deserves, and I know that I am sorry about that. I do not want him to be wanting from me for something that I cannot give him. I know that he deserves to be happy, and I know that I do not make him happy. I am sorry about that. Mr. Wonderful deserves to be happy, and he should be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I

Evil Lives

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evillives

I do not know why I did it, I do know that I should not do it, but I did it anyway.  I have been watching true crime documentaries on Netflix, and the last one I watched last night I was all by myself.  My daughter B was at work, W is out of town working, and I was alone.  I watched the Ted Bundy documentary, and Evil genius the day before.  Why?  Why would I do this to myself? Because that is what the girls watch at work, and it gives us something to talk about, and dissect since we are all in the medical field.  We ALL watch Game of thrones, and that is discussed first and foremost, as it is an awesome series ( I read the books as well, well, up to the fifth book, as soon as Arya went into the house of black and white, I stopped reading the series) so I am a pretty big geek when dealing with GOT.  Anyway, back to evil – Both of those documentaries above say that the killers were bipolar, yup, BAM, there it is. And when watching those shows, the lingo and gestures that they express where very familiar to me.  Especially when in the Ted Bundy documentary one of his interviewers recalls Ted’s eyes going to black when he was discussing his “deeds”.  I remember that.

I remember that.

So much in those films remind me of the salesman, the manipulation, the roving large eyes, the insistence of how their logic is superior and the total consuming hate in their demeanor when they are confronted with their past deeds, and their explanation of it.  NEVER an apology, but an vomiting of words to confuse you and justify their behavior.  Always from their warped point of view, always from how they are right, and never, ever, any empathy for their “victims”.  I believe Ted Bundy, actually states that women are objects to him.  The things he did, the way he acted, how he purposefully manipulated, strangled, assaulted, raped and killed his victims, was just him, just pure evil, complete evil, rotten to the core.

Evil Genius was even more confusing, but again all the temperaments of the woman, the mastermind in charge, were spot on, just like the salesman.  Her name was Marjorie Diehl- Armstrong, and talk about ill, she takes the cake. She also has the diagnosis of bipolar, and you can see her in a full manic state throughout the show in some of the interviews.  At some points she cannot even sit still, keep her gaze in one spot, or answer a question, coherently.  And again, if you look close, she has black eyes, the pupil is so dilated you cannot see the iris.  She was not as narcissistic as Bundy, but again, pure evil, with NO empathy.

I lived with that for decades, decades, and now I can spot it from miles away.  Both of these shows were disturbing to me, and I probably should not have watched them. 

It is good to be on the other side of crazy, now.  It is good to know that evil does exist in the world. It is good to be on the lookout for that, and for me not to  give the benefit of the doubt. Shows like this, do remind me of how fucked up my world was before ,when I was married to the salesman. I am soooooooooo glad he is gone, but again, I am always wary that he is right behind me. The salesman always went back to his exs when he was manic, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  Just as he will be manic again, he will trace back to his Exs. There is no doubt that his disease will spiral out of control and it will be worse.  That has been his path since 2000, with his first diagnosis, and this bipolar path does not veer. Every manic episode, has been longer, and worse. The salesman’s manic mind will devour his world and keep pushing to higher and higher heights.  His last manic episode lasted for over a YEAR, and it ended up with homelessness, and now drug use.  The next manic episode will be worse, FACT, and if he used drugs this last time he will the next, and whatever hell his manic narcissistic mind will want.  He is evil now, and he spreads it wherever he goes, just like Marjorie and Bundy.  Evil is real, and it does exist, don’t ever forget that.

 

Thanks for the extra effort

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book

 

“I already put the pizza away, didn’t you get my texts?” I said from the couch. “No I didn’t, I did not  have my phone with me, you could have yelled upstairs, thanks for the extra effort.” he sighs and goes about his way.  This was last night at my house, things between me and W are on the rocks again, and I think it is because I am not drinking and he is not smoking.  Now I have not said this to him, and I am just going through the day to see if this is the case.  Due to us both not indulging into our vices, we are both on edge, and not our fun selves.   Life is hard for me, life is a burden, I am in more debt now than I have ever been, and that is because of the upcoming wedding, and W and his job.  He is working more and more and things are starting to take off, but it is slow.  Again I do not like going into more debt, but I knew this year would bring more debt due to my kids all in college.  My sons have one more year left, I have 13 more months to help them, and then when they graduate, I will begin to have more money, but these next 13 months will be a bitch.  I actually kept waking up due to my worrying about money and the wedding. Part of me, says you are not going to have money anyway so you might as well live your life, because life goes on regardless.  So that is where I am in my life and I do not want you all to think that W is not a good man.  He is patient, insightful, and steady, and yes we do fight, and yes I do blog more when things that upset me happen. So forgive me if the whole picture you get of W is not happy go lucky.  But writing helps bring clarity to me.

And he is right, I do not give any extra effort.  Huh?  How is that fair to W? It is not fair to him, but it is all I can do at the present moment.  Now here is the problem, the salesman, would always require extra effort in every situation, and I would give it too him over and over and over again until it was destroying me.  That is the problem, so in this new relationship, I protect myself.   Again, I protect myself, do not overextend, and I do not take the risk of making myself vulnerable, or giving more than I should.  Because I always gave more, and more and more, and all it did was hurt me.  Therefore I do not extend any extra effort to W, or to my friends.  You did not answer my text, then oh well, I won’t text again.  In fact I did text W three times yesterday and even that was uncomfortable for me, so to say I am guarded is an understatement.   In fact even now, even today after a night of awkwardness and fighting, I haven’t even texted him, and I won’t.  What I have done for W is to overextend financially and that is making me upset, but I have to trust somewhere right? And that is how I am trying. I do not know if W understands this, and I do not know if I can explain it to him. I am giving myself time, because time always seems to help.

W rolled his ankle on Sunday while we were walking the dogs, so he has been limited with his movement and of course did not/could not work yesterday, Monday.  Today he has a job for his company and will be on his feet for 4-8 hours constantly plus the 2 hour drive both ways, so he is saving his foot for that.  Hopefully it gets better and he is up and running soon.  It is hard for me to say the least, to be happy that he is working, but I am still carrying the bulk of the household. And to tell the truth, I carry the household if he is here or not. I know I am not giving him what he needs or wants, I am giving him what I need and want, but isn’t that the way of love? I do not know if I can be unguarded or vulnerable again.

He called me rude yesterday, said I was the rudest person he has ever met, and I did not answer I just rolled over and went to bed.  I was thinking of comebacks, but why? so we can fight all night?  No thanks, my sleep is important, and I will take care of myself.  If that is rude or selfish, than yes that is me. I have very very strict boundaries, and if it is me or him, it will be me, every. single. time. 

I never use to be this way, but I am now.  And I do not know if I can change it, or if I want to, and I do not know if that is because I am an independent bitch, or a hurt little girl. I guess again it goes back to my past and the salesman.  No matter how I approached a fight, disagreement or situation, I was wrong.  I was wrong if I tried to talk to him, I was wrong if I yelled in anger, I was wrong if I walked away, I was wrong if I tried to ignore the problem,I was wrong if I took care of the kids and kept our life moving forward, no matter what I did, it was wrong.  So our fights often went in circles, he would be mad, and then he would attack the way I was mad, or a certain characteristic that he needed me to change.  And he would berate me and my “lack of support” my “lack of understanding” or “my anger” or my “ability to always have to be right” and then that would turn into a whole different issue and it would always be about me and how I was handling him that was wrong. It always boiled down to how I was not loving him correctly, or enough, or wrongly, and how he needed more from me.  They were fights that went no where, and left me with huge gaping holes, and how bad I still wanted the marriage, and how I would tear myself to pieces just so he would be happy.  SO his world would be complete again, I would moderate my behavior, eat my emotions to make the salesman happy.  What I did not know is that this was not a normal fight, and that I was being manipulated by the salesman, to give out more energy, more emotions, more attention to feed his narcissistic world. Every reaction he got from me, it helped feed his black hole, and keep him happy for the time being, and every time I did that, it took more and more of my self confidence.  I was within the salesman’s grip from the age of 14 to 44, so you may know see why I have a problem with giving extra effort.  And it goes back to me being damaged goods. And I do not think of that as a bad thing.  I went through hell survived and came out on top.  I have scars and I do not hide them, but I will be fucking dammed if I EVER do anything like that again.

 

Seclusion

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islandI do not know how to be in a relationship, either with a friend or a lover. I have no friends because I do not know how to trust. I do not know how to trust because of my past. I do not know how to depend on anyone but myself, and even when I do “depend” on anyone, it just does not work.  “I am controlling” “You need to know where I am and what I am doing all day long” “I AM NOT YOUR EX”  That last one hit, and it hit hard.  Yes true, Mr. Wonderful is not my ex, and maybe I am still acting like it?  But how do I not? I do not know. and I do not want to trust anyone, because all it leads to is pain, loss, betrayal, and abandonment. I have made myself an island in the middle of the ocean, and I am not friendly to anyone who wants to come aboard.  I am defensive, I am negative, I am a bitch, I am always biting at whomever comes close, I do not know how to stop and I do not know if I want to.  I do not want to be hurt again, and I will not be hurt again, so I will just go on and hurt everyone else who dares come by me.  I sound like an abused animal, and that is what I am, an abused woman. I do not think I can change this, I do not think I will ever let my guard down, I do not know how to be strong and vulnerable at the same time. I am always waiting for the end to come, always waiting for the pain, always waiting for the chaos, because it was always coming, and it still is.  The salesman is still alive, I am still in the same house, I am still trying to dig myself out of the hole that my life had become, I am still fighting to make things better. But it is not over, he is still alive, he is still sick, sicker than ever before and he will not stop until he is dead, or I am.  I do not know how to stop defending myself.  I do not know how to be in a relationship.  I am constantly looking for red flags, and do not have any tolerance for anything that can be remotely thought of that way.  I do not know how to drop my walls, and I do not fucking want too, because every time I thought I was safe, I was not.   Every time I thought life would be OK, it would then crumble beneath my feet.  I refuse to put anyone else’s priorities above mine, I refuse to bend any parameters. I do not like how I treat Mr. Wonderful, but if it is him or me, I will pick me every. single. time. I think I am better off alone and I think I should remain that way, because it does seem that all I do is hurt him.  I do not think that any man can live up to my standards, because my standards are unreachable, even by myself, I cannot even do it.

I probably need therapy again, but I do not want to go.  I am sick of dissecting my thoughts and actions, and I just want to live. Why is this so hard? It seems to me we have about 4 to 5 good days, and then I blow up about something, and it is me. I wonder if I have a diagnosis that I do not know about. Maybe I am not meant to have another relationship, I am tired of working for relationships. I am so fucking tired. So what happened? Why am I again at this point?  Well again Mr. Wonderful did not work yesterday.  He is leaving for work today, driving to VA, and working a few days, two maybe three.  He is suppose to making food to take with, and again it is Chicken fried rice, seems we can’t have chicken fried rice without fighting.  He was suppose to put the chicken in the crock pot, Saturday night, then Sunday night, then make the chicken. It was Monday, night, and the chicken was cooked, but he did not prepare it.  He was off on Monday, which was not discussed, and he did yard work, some basement work, changed my daughter’s oil, and supposedly getting ready for his work trip?  If I took a whole day off, I would be getting ready for a work trip and not doing yard work.  Why is he doing yard work? and why did he not work? and why do I have to ask him?  Shouldn’t he be just going to work, like I do every fucking day?!??! or am I missing something? What will be the kicker is if he does not make the chicken friend rice and ends up spending more money on food while he is working. I guess I will find that out tonight once I get home from work.  So we go to the gym, he can’t lift because he hurt himself cutting back some of the tree limbs, Well that is his story, so we leave the gym go home, I eat left overs and he is on his phone.  We walk the dogs, and then home, he goes into the great room, and plays on his phone. I ask him what he is doing, and is he going to cook the chicken, he says I am just relaxing for a bit. Ok?  I go into the front room and watch a documentary, I figure when he starts cooking ,I will go into the kitchen and clean. BECAUSE my daughter and him were home all day and of course, it makes perfect sense that the one person who works full time, should be cleaning the kitchen at night! Anyway, he does not go into the kitchen, he peaks his head in the front room, I explain about the documentary is about, and he goes upstairs.  I hear some noises and assume he was packing.  Once my show is over, I go upstairs and he is lying on the bed watching TV.  I ask about the cooking and he says he will cook tomorrow. So I say “Why were you off today then? Why didn’t you work? If you can do all the stuff that needs to be done on Tuesday morning, why did you not drive?”  I go downstairs and clean the kitchen, yup and I am mad. I do not understand, is literally coming out of my mouth.

So again I feel like I can’t just watch TV without inviting him or telling him what I am doing. But yeah sorry, not going to happen.  I can watch fucking TV if I want too, and what does that have to do with anything??!?!?

When I was with the salesman, I always had to make sure he was O.K.  That no matter what I was doing, he had to be happy.  So all things were processed through him, who could sleep over, what we were doing that weekend, to the TV shows we watched, if it wasn’t what he wanted to watch, then it was not watched.  Part of that was me just not wanting to argue, it just was not worth it. So yesterday was a bit of a test for Mr. Wonderful, or W from now on. I figured he was going to cook and do what he needed to do, and I would do my thing, and life would be OK, there would not be a fight, and things would be normal.

  YEAH NO

He goes upstairs, I yell, and then he says something like, I am leaving for three days and you just go and watch TV.  WOW, wrong thing to say especially since it was a test that he did not know about.  W actually got mad, he was yelling and he had valid points, I think he might just leave me.  Maybe that is what I am doing, pushing him away, maybe he will just get sick of me, and my shit and leave.  Was it fair of me to give him a test that he did not know he was taking? No, but was it fair of him to not work on a day when it was not discussed, and not to have everything ready to go for the job he is leaving for today? Am I being unreasonable?  He is not me, and I am not him.  He does things differently than I, and is that so wrong?  Should I just let him do what he wants to do, but then shouldn’t I just do what I want to do? Why do I have to dissect everything? I fucking hate relationships. I am tired. He tries to talk to me but then says nothing.  He says “lets talk”  “I say about what?” and he says “stop it”  I say “No, I cannot just switch back and be all lovey dovey, I do not work that way.”  Now he is upset and yeah, so?!?!  So am I.  I am mad, and defensive, angry, and do not want him to touch me at all, in fact, I do not want him in the same room.  We sleep in separate places, I get up go to work, kiss him on the forehead, and go to work.  I don’t text him and he does not text me.