stop

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girltree

Stillness, quiet, slow deep breaths, I have decided to slow my  walking down this path of life and stop.  Stop and take measure.  I do not want a second divorce, that is the truth, and I need to see what that actually means to me.  I am so tired of love and life, that I just need to be still.   I slept hours last night, did not wake up, and am already on my fourth cup of coffee and I am still exhausted.   I have a headache and I am just numb.   I cannot cry anymore, I just want to sleep, and not move for days.  I think this is the right thing to do and maybe given my hyper, type A personality, this is the only way I will slow down.  So forgive me for not updating you all on my situation, but I need to see what my situation is, and what it will be. As of right now, I am still married, we are talking, he went on a job interview yesterday from 11 am to 10 pm, so something may be occurring, and maybe it will be just enough for me to try again. But for this instance, I am just going to be still.

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Cry, Cry, Cry again, over and over

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cryinggirl

I look like shit today, and my contacts are stuck to dry eyes.  I spent most of yesterday at work, in the car on the way home from work, in tears.  Once I got home I went straight to my bedroom and yup, cried.   I HATE to cry, I HATE to be vulnerable, I HATE to be a girl, and have such emotions.   I am numb today.  My body aches, my head is fuzzy, and everything is depleted.  Can anyone tell?  Does my body, face and outward demeanor reflect what my emotions are doing?  I guess it does not, because nobody has said anything.   He talked to me last night and he ended up saying some pretty harsh stuff.  I was crying when he came home, and he was sweet, made dinner, got more firewood after I started the indoor fire.  I am a “acts of service” type of love language so this did soften me and I did actually smile.   My daughter, he and I all watched TV together and then he texted me, ” you unfriended me?!?!?”  I replied ” Yes”   ” why” pause then I said “if I am not with you, I don’t want to see what you are doing”   he said ” can we talk?”  I heard my phone go off, but didn’t look at it.  Mind you, he is sitting about 6 feet from me, then another text “hello?”   So we go upstairs to talk, and well basically he had a plan to live in my basement, and pay me rent.   I said No, I mean isn’t that what he is suppose to be doing anyway?  So how would this be different now?  it would not, so again all words, all promises and no action.  He did not like that I did not accept his proposal.   He then said ” I should have listened to your brother, he said you’re fucking nuts”.  I just looked at him, as I was sitting on the bed, in a ball, holding a pillow over my knees.  I was in shock, he leaves the room, I am still sitting there, tears running down my face, he comes back in the room and says “No wonder you have no friends and you’re fucking family likes me better than you” BAM, sucker punch, he slams the door and goes downstairs, I lock the door, and return to the bed.  Drink vodka, take 1/2 an ambien and cry myself to sleep.   Why did he have to be mean?

I woke up at 2 AM, restless, he is in my head now, and I am hurt.  I toss and turn for about an hour, before I fall asleep.   The alarm goes off at 5:15 am, I hit the snooze, open my eyes and I can tell that they are puffy from crying all night.   Shit, Great, Fucking Great.  I pull my feet from under the covers, turn on the light, clear the alarm on my phone, and pet my dog.   And then he is in my room.  I head to the kids bathroom in the hallway, and turn on the water, to rinse my face, use the facilities and take a deep breath.   Back into the hallway I go, and there on the carpet is a pile of pooh, my daughter’s new dog gave me a present.   I don’t even care, grab some toilet paper, snatch it up, and flush it.   I go downstairs, cause I don’t want to be upstairs, wash my hands.  Shit is is freezing down here.   I grab a towel, wipe my hands, and get a coffee mug from the cabinet.   I pull the coffee pot off the burner while it is filling and the hiss sound of the coffee hitting the burner goes off, it is spilling over and I don’t even care.   Fill my cup, return the pot, feed both dogs, sigh.   I will have to go upstairs to get dressed.  and Why is he in my room?  Up the stairs I go, I am exhausted, do not want to talk or fight or do anything.   He is in the bathroom, so I get dressed in the main room, fast and quick because I do not want him to see me naked.   And it is cold this am.   I get dressed and need to get into the bathroom, he finally emerges, looks at me, and I can not look at him.   I can’t, if I do I will cry again, and I have to put my contacts in.   I manage to get into the bathroom, put in my eye drops, rinse my face, with cold water, hoping that gets rid of some of the eye swelling.   Wet an hand cloth, and press it to my eyes, wasting time, hoping he will go downstairs, and leave me to my misery.  No such luck, I have to get in the bedroom, and get my contacts, makeup, etc.   I open the door and start my routine.  “Fuck, I look like a wreck”  I said out loud, and now he is looking right at me, standing beside my vanity, and I am hunched over the magnifying mirror, looking at what a fucking mess, I am.   I sip my coffee, and move forward.  ” I wish you would talk to me” he says.   I say “what about? More words, and no action?”   and then I look straight at him, narrow my eyes, and I can feel the pure anger, venom coming out of my look and say ” You were cruel last night, and I have not been cruel — yet.   If that is where we are going, I warn you, I am very very very good at cruel.”  Remove my eyes from his and get back to getting ready.   He says “Haven’t you ever said anything out of anger before?”  “Of course” I reply “just not like that”    I finish getting ready and he moves to the bed to pet the dogs.   I go downstairs once I am done, and continue to get ready for work.   I am up too early,  but I needed to be up early to get stuff for the divorce papers.   I asked him for his Social Security number yesterday and he did not give it to me.   I asked again last night, no answer.   “I need your social security number for the lawyer, the more times I have to email him the more expensive it gets.”  I dig through my files to find my financial records, loan amount, house appraisal, etc, everything I need for my now second divorce.  My eyes fill with tears, again, JESUS!, I just did my makeup, I can’t cry already.   I swallow them back, eat the pain, and take a breath, I find my first divorce records and make a noise, how fucking ironic.   Well my head says, “at least you may be able to use some of those records for this one”.   I add that to my growing pile of papers that I need to complete the divorce records.   That is why I am up early, and the procedure I have scheduled at 7:30 am.   A favor to the doctor and patient so it fits in with their schedules.  I look at my phone, it is still too early, so I sit in the front room sipping my coffee.   He comes in the room and sits across on the other couch, “Do you love me?” he says. “Yes, I love you, but that is not the problem here” I reply.  “Love does not make things work, time, effort, communication, and doing what you say works” Again I reiterate “how long did you think, you would get?  Promising me things and not doing them? That is how the world works, you can not say you are going to send the email, and not send it.  You cannot say you are going to call your daughter, and not call her. You cannot say I will not be supporting you, and move here and not get a job.”  Same ole same ole, for the past few days.   I am tired of this conversation.  He says “I will get a job” , and I said “I have heard that before.”  We talk some more, and I am just so fucking tired, I am depleted, and I hate to feel this way.    I get up to leave, refill my coffee, and he turns to me and says “Can I have a hug?”  “I can’t even look at you, if I do that I will cry” I reply.  He opens his arms and I move into them knowing that I will be a mess.   He hugs me tight, rubs my back and says “I am so so so sorry.”   I slam my eyes shut, trying to hold off my heavy breathing sobs, as tears blur my vision.  I break away, grab my coat, purse and coffee, and run to the car.   To a save place, one of only a few I have left.   I put the car in reverse it smashes over the dead leaves on the driveway, making a crunching noise. I head off to work, with all my papers in my bag ready to complete the paperwork for the second divorce.

My head is a mess, I can hardly see, but I cannot pull over because he is right behind me leaving to drive lyft today.   I wipe my eyes and force myself to concentrate on just this one moment, it works, Thank God for traffic.

I don’t understand how he couldn’t be getting a job, and not addressing the financial end when he knew how much that bothered me.  He would get mad and totally shut down, he would be moody and not talk, and then be bothered by the littlest things.  He said I broke his leaf blower, that now it had a short in it and it has never had a short before.  Brooke burned his pot, so he removes it from use.  Why does it matter?  Why does it matter when I am paying all the bills?   His time line to do things is like a sloth, he is stubborn, and slow.  So why should I be surprised and so upset with this break up?  Part of me knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to believe it.  I tried so hard to make this work, to believe in love, to believe in him, and what he wanted out of life.  I thought he wanted this life with me, and I tried to go all in, and I did by marrying him, even though the thought was waking me up in the middle of the night.  It seems that no matter how hard I try I seem to attract broken people, I seem to get too attached to the ones that need me so much.  So now he is still at my house, still it has only been since Monday, and today is Wednesday, and it is so hard.   I am really upset, more upset than I thought I would be.   I thought I had this all under control, but I guess that was a joke as well.  How could I make the same mistake twice?  I told myself that it didn’t matter that I was paying everything, that he was a good man, he was nice, he was patient, he was cute, he was good in bed, and he loved me.  He does love me, I can see it on him even now.  BUT I always said that love was not enough, and it is not.   He wanted me to be more committed and I literally almost bit his head off.   More committed he said?   What he really needed was more physical attention, but I freeze up, and he reaches out, so that was a big mistake of ours.  I am a motivator, a fighter, a mover, and once I removed those things from him, he became like an unplugged light.   I did not mind helping him, in fact I liked making him better, but I needed him to help me too. He did help a bit, but not financially and that is where I need the most help.   So as everyday went by with no income from him, and no discussion of money from him, or jobs, etc, I became more panicked, more withdrawn, and more upset. God, Why is is all so hard?   WHY WHY WHY?    Why the fuck did I marry him?   Didn’t I learn anything?   Didn’t I learn to NEVER bail out a man?   I guess I needed to be taught this again.   I am such a fool, such a fucking fool.  He never did what he said he would, so I should have never continued the relationship, I should have never hoped, I should have never believed.

Fuck social media

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broken

I hate Facebook, and Instagram.  Mr. W just changed his profile picture from our wedding day to him and his daughter, and I see it immediately.   I just unfriended him and unfollowed him on Instagram, Jesus, I HATE this.   I forgot how much it hurts.  I do not cry at home, but I am a fucking wreck at work.  Why did I ever do this again?

Chances

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chances

How many chances do you give someone?  How much do you pay attention to the past? How do you trust your instincts? I gave my ex SOOOOO Many chances that it was to my detriment , letting him do what he needed to do, destroyed me.  So am I doing that again? “I am a good man” he says, and is he?   “Please keep trying” he says.   Trying?  Trying?  Who is trying?  I did what I did and I saved him.   I am supporting him and he still cannot do what he says.   “did you send the email?” becomes a week long conversation, why is it SO FUCKING HARD TO DO WHAT YOU SAY?  Why should I give him another chance?  I did everything right AGAIN, and still I am getting fucked over financially.   So he gets a call back from a job he applied for?!??!? on the day I cancelled the wedding cabin and officiant, also the day I contacted a divorce lawyer.   Yup, hand up, IDIOT here!  I married him in Nov 2018 to give him and his daughter health insurance.  And he has not paid me for that.  He has not paid rent, he has not given me money unless I kick him out.   He is lazy, unmotivated with no drive to better himself.   He is stagnant.  Why should I have to be with someone like this?  BECAUSE I married him?  Can you say I am a fixer?  That I jump in and try to do what I would like someone to do to me, and it doesn’t work?   Why should he be given another chance, so he can fuck up my world again?   How many chances is this?  40?  I have lost count.   I am so sick and tired of being the bigger person, of doing everything right, going out on a limb and being fucked over.   I guess it serves me right, I trusted someone again, opened my heart, tried to start over, and I get burned.  The bitterness that can come to me after this second wrecked marriage will be like acid in my throat, that I have willingly done.  I reached for that cup, trusted the world and I am again destroying myself.  Fuck love.  Fuck men. Fuck chances.

Which one are you?

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5love

I remember an old friend of mine who introduced this to my life, and it does make sense.  Everyone loves differently and we all have a “love language” and if you are in a relationship you should try to understand your significant others language.  I just recently took the test and again found out that my language is “acts of service”.   It nails me and my personality to a “T”.   Here is what it says

4. Acts of Service

For these people, actions speak louder than words.  People who speak the language of service want their partner to recognize that their life is rough and help them out in any way possible.  Lending a helping hand shows you really care.  People who thrive on this language do not deal well with broken promises- or a perceived laziness-and have very little tolerance for people who make more work for them.  Basically, if your’re not willing to show your appreciation by doing them a favor, you’re saying you don’t value them.

Again that is exactly me, so why am I having to take tests about your love language?  Because my love language and Mr. Wonderful’s love language are totally two different ends of the spectrum.  I took the test sent him the link and he took the test.

My results                                                                Mr. Wonderful’s results

  1. Acts of Service                                                    1. Physical touch
  2. Receiving Gifts                                                    2. Quality Time
  3. Words of Affirmation                                        3. Words of Affirmation
  4. Quality Time                                                        4.  Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch                                                     5. Receiving Gifts

So you can see the problem, we are totally opposites, which they say attract.  So I guess we attracted each other, but can it last?   It has for two years, but I think we have reached the end of the road.

What I have also learned is that I am a “fixer”  I help everyone, and I can jump into almost any situation and try to fix it, BUT, it usually always come at my expense.  I do not have a problem doing this for my children, as I believe that is what a mother is suppose to do, after all they did not ask to be born.   According to the Briggs-Meyers personality test I am an ENFJ, which ironically enough carries a title of ” the giver”  or ” the protagonist”.  So I guess those personality profiles do get things right sometimes.  I have found that throughout my journey, I have really connected with myself.  I really know myself, and I am learning more and more each day, or with each experience.   I think the hardest thing for me is to, learn how to take care of myself.  How to establish my boundaries, and realize that that is NOT selfish, that that is maturity, and self-care.   We are not taught self care in school, or sometimes even in the home.  And I wonder why?  Why does it take trauma, change, and pain, to realize things? or maybe that is just me. Entering into December with a new attitude, another step down this path of mine.

 

 

Cry Baby

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crybaby

It is 8:51 pm and Mr. Wonderful ( which I think I need a new name for him) is pouting.  Why?   I am not fucking sure.   I am sure that if I look back over the last 24 hours, I can figure it out.  So we have not had sex since Sunday and it is Wednesday, I actually needed the break and lets just say that a 50 year old man could use the break too, given his age, and his private parts participation, Uh-huh, it is not easy or fun trying to have sex with a half hard dick, just saying………..   ANYWAY.  He has been distant since last night, so Tuesday night we go to bed and he starts the moves.   I comply, and he goes down on me, well, the door is open, the bedroom door, half open, so……….. a glaring light in my eyes, and SHIT!!! I freak, maneuver, pull myself away from him, and jump out of bed, no pants-mind you, and close the door.  My daughter was in the hallway going to the bathroom and my door should NOT have been open.  Sigh, geez!    I then proceed into the bathroom, do some physical maintenance, and go back to bed.   He has his back to me, so I climb into bed and go to sleep.   WELL here is the problem, I am sure he was upset that I didn’t snuggle up close to him and continue the situation.  Huh?  yeah, no.   I was almost asleep when he came to bed and yeah, Do Not Fuck with My Sleep. I Do Not Function without sleep, and I HATE anyone who would dare Fuck IT UP.   So again I went to bed.   So I can imagine that that is what he is upset about.   It started in the late night, he woke up at 3?am or 4?am, crawled out of bed and slept the remainder on the couch.   Then when 6 am came, he got his clothes and dressed downstairs, then the walk to the car, he went to his and I went to mine.   SO, of course I said something, actually twice in the AM, I asked him what was wrong, and mind you, actually bluntly, said ” Oh My God, we almost got caught last night” to clarify the situation, so he did not think I was just blowing him off.   WELL that obviously DID NOT WORK, or I would not be blogging here at 9Pm on a Wednesday.

I tried texting him, asking why he was quiet, and again NO definitive answer, more bullshit.   And then we went to the gym, I tried talking to him, multiple times, different issues and he was unresponsive.   On the way home from the gym, after an awkward work out, I try again, no response.  FUCK THIS.

At home, vodka and I made dinner for my daughter and myself.   I asked him and he didn’t want it.   He has a problem with food left out too long, and shows me an article of how long to serve mac and cheese.   I made a new cheese sauce for the left over mac and cheese from Turkey day, it was super good by the way. and B and I had left had left over mac and cheese for dinner.   Anyway, I asked him on the way home from the gym, our dinner plans and he was suppose to cook chicken fried rice, but anyway he can not, so…… I did not cook and reheated left overs.   He does not want reheated mac and cheese, cause  “OMG, it is gross, and sick and contaminated!” at least that is what my brain says.  Meanwhile, his phone has gone off multiple times, text?, call?, email? notification? who the FUCK knows!   I will not ask him, because, I WILL NOT CHASE A MAN EVER.   You want to cheat?  Cheat.  You want to leave? LEAVE. You want to LIE?  LIE.

 I WILL NEVER EVER DEPEND ON A MAN AGAIN – EVER. 

                                                                                                                                                                     so as I get my computer and start typing, he actually comes up to me, like touching me and asks “What are you doing?”  ” writing” I put my head down and keep blogging.  FUCK YOU says my inside.   So now you will pay attention to me?!?!???? Whatever.  I asked and asked and asked.   Roll my eyes, I am so done with boys and their issues!   I mean he is   being a girl, right?  All snotty, and distant and a TON of issues, Jesus Christ!  Who is actually the girl here?!!?!!????!!!!   Fucking pisses me off.    I am the winner here, I am the hero and I DO NOT need him.

Morning routine

Once I am at work, and have my computer up and running, I check the jail website.  Fortunately the salesman is still in jail, so I do relax a bit more.   My sons were home this past weekend for Thanksgiving and they even asked do you still barricade the garage door? and the answer is yes, I still do.   Even just this am when I went to open my front door and a storm door, which shattered this past week, yes shattered, I still have apprehension.  I full expect him to be hanging from my front oak tree in the yard, or in front of the door with some sort of weapon.  Whack, and I am finished.  I just know that I will not rest easy until he is dead, isn’t that a great thought.

Box Cutter

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boxcutterIt’s pitch black out, and I hear a noise.  I freeze in my bed and hear the door being pushed open.   My eyes are locked on the door, it moves and I see a pair of eyes at the top of the door, the mouth and nose are covered with fabric.  A hand pushes through below the eyes and I see a shining box cutter. “the door is unlocked” screams my brain!  and then I wake up.

 

 

I am stressed beyond belief, and I am doing it to myself.  I have put too much trust into this relationship and I want to run screaming.   I kicked him out again on Saturday and he will not leave, so he sits patiently and listens to me yelling at him.   I do not want to be mean or cruel, he is such a nice man. But his faults – a lot, but don’t we all have faults?  Who am I too be so demanding?  I am so protective of my world and my time and my life, and enforcing my boundaries, that I do not know if I know how to love.   Maybe that is it, I do not know how to love someone.  At least in a healthy way, does anyone have a healthy relationship?  Are their always unbalances of power, and confusion and blurred boundaries? or is that just in my past.   I am so defensive, and so quick to jump and run, because I never could before maybe.  I allowed the salesman into all aspects of my life, my personality, and my world with absolutely NO BOUNDARIES.   So how do you have a relationship with boundaries? Why is this such a problem?  Why am I in a full out stall now?  Why NOW??   Why the fuck can’t I relax?    If I was Mr. Wonderful and moved across the state for my love, and he was doing what I am doing to him?  I would be so angry, and mad, and I would have left.   I am not purposely trying to ruin this relationship, but I am pulling back from him.   I am blocking off my heart, I am withdrawing, why?   Why? Fear? of course fear, but why?

It is just easier alone, not having to depend on anyone, just me and the kids, like I have been for years.   I was the one and only and now trying to work in another person, when I could just be destroyed again, is so fucking hard.   Why is it so fucking hard??!?!  Having this experience is so difficult, I feel like I am fighting myself to love him.   Why should that be a problem?   So what is my intuition, and what is just conditioned fear, from years of psychological abuse? C-PTSD? Learning to love after a toxic relationship, learning to live, why is this all so fucking hard???

Opening the Door

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door

Deep Breath, “it’s OK Jenni, it will all be OK” another breath escapes my lips.  I close my eyes and try to still my brain.  It is still dark outside, I hit the snooze button and my dogs are stirring awake.   It is Friday, I have gone four days without drinking vodka, and that is awesome.   It is not my longest stretch but it is a good start, considering how wracked my nerves have been this week.   And why have my nerves been giving me a problem? Just everything, sigh.   Worried about money, worried about extending myself too much for this relationship, like I have always done before.  Scared to fucking death, and willing to cut and run.  I have too keep reminding myself that he is a good man, and he proves it to me by his actions.   He may not be the most motivated to move forward, but he opens my car door for me, walks me to my car in the mornings with an umbrella and more.  Made me dinner last night even though I was yelling, his patience is amazing, and he hasn’t smoked weed at all these last four days either.  He is trying, and I am still running around like chicken little, yelling “this isn’t going to work!, you will use me, you will betray me, I will be abandoned……again”. Just writing that my insides quiver, and I can feel myself starting to get nervous and upset.  and I am not that type of person, but I guess doing something new will always take you outside your comfort zone and make you unsure. I am trying to move forward with hope and maybe even faith, trying to fight my defenses that are telling me not to trust another man.   How fair is that to Mr. Wonderful? I am scared to death, but I am still moving forward on this path of mine, headed through yet another doorway.