The anxiety was creeping into my brain, so I rushed about the house doing chores, trying to calm the stress in my mind. It was a spectacular sunny day, bright, cheery, even with a breeze which never happens in Georgia. I made the appointment last week on a whim, I actually was in the car with Mr. Wonderful he was driving and it allowed me to look out the window to see what was there. “Is that a bridal shop?” W says “huh?” I was talking always talking, and I am sure W tunes me out most of the time, and that is fine, he should or else he will have the real mumbling of my mind, constantly droning on and on. I pick up my phone and google it. Sure enough, it is, a small tiny bridal boutique right in my home town. As the weeks went by I totally forgot about it, after all I have my dress, I got it in November of last year. And it is beautiful, it is off white and has some pink, blue in it, even had butterfly appliques that were subtle and a corset back, it was like a heavenly costume to be worn in a renaissance fantasy movie. I love it and I bought it on the spot, took it home the same day, and it hangs in my closet. As time went by, I had a nagging feeling that I did not like it, that it was too costumey for a wedding, and I did not want to look like a princess, or a medieval bride. The word “costume” kept nagging at me, so I would look at the dress again, convince myself I loved it, zip the bag and be confirmed that I made the right choice. But………….. the little boutique kept coming up in my head, so one day I just went to the website. After several looks at the place, I finally clicked on the sample gown section, and that was it. I saw this dress with the back open with lace across it, and I loved it. I wanted lace, I wanted lace, oh boy. again after many looks at all the sample gowns, I on a whim made an appointment, via email. Sent off the contact information, and thought that was that. I did not really want an appointment, and I should not get one because I already have my dress. The white envelope on the blue square shows the little number one, I open the email not thinking anything after all it has been days since I sent of the request, and I actually forgot I did. Because I have a dress, and I have no money, and I should not be spending more, I need to be making more, and concentrating on what needs to be done for the wedding, blah, blah, blah. I got an appointment for Sunday at 2 pm, I agree and keep it to myself. I actually did not even tell my daughter or sister until the day before, and my sister actually went with me. I wish my daughter could have too, but she was working and after all I did not give anyone notice. I got the appointment because they had a cancellation, and wasn’t I lucky to just email at the correct day. Oh boy, so as the week went by I kept having negative thoughts and worry dancing through my head. “I have a dress. I can just cancel the appointment. Its a waste of time and money” The days passed and I assured myself that I would cancel it, and just because I have appointment does not mean I will buy anything. (sure sure just like you go to the pound to only look at the dogs! the things I tell myself in my head, oh boy)
The day comes and I had a very productive Saturday and a good Sunday morning, so my mood was good, but my anxiety and worry was high. I meet my sister at the boutique, we are early, as is my nature, and it is just us with the owner. Tons of dresses line the sides of the shop, and the one I loved is hanging in a dressing room. In MY dressing room! Can you say meant to be?! I tried it on first and it was stunning, so comfortable, lace for miles, etc, etc. I almost did not want to take it off, and then I tried on another one, and another and another, until I put on a dress that literally took my breath away. This one has lace, and it is off white, and it has SPARKLES!! It glows, and I glowed in it, wow, this was it! I was ecstatic, and this style is no longer being made so no one else moving forward should be able to get it, to get my dress- EVER. I did not even think about the money, and bought it on the spot, all the while with my first wedding dress neatly packed, with the receipt, in the bag, in the car, steps away from me.
This second dress is amazing, I felt not like in a fairy tale, not too young or too old, it hugs my body in all the right places, was so comfortable, and it just locked all the pieces in my head that were nagging me about the first dress. It felt perfect, easy, grand, and it confirmed into my head that I was doing the right thing. The excitement for the wedding is there now, moving forward in this marriage is there, an ounce of trust in W and the security I am realizing I have with him, that I may have finally found someone who loves me like I can love them. That things in my life might actually be o.k. and I may not have to keep looking over my shoulder for the rug to be pulled out yet again. I may be able to love fully, completely, and trust again. Trust fully, Maybe. Putting on that dress seems to be the key that opened the door to my future, and I can see how I will be able to trust, I will be able to love, and I will be able to hope again.
Now to just take the steps forward………………….