My heart hurts. It feels like I just got hit by a lamp post straight to my chest, my heart is pounding and I draw in a huge, panicked breath, then my eyes open. I bring my hands to my sternum and just take deep breath after deep breath as the nightmare crashes over me. It’s him again, the salesman and he just revealed to me that he cheated on me the whole time we were ever together. Every age from 14 to 44, I am shown pictures of necklaces of his that I gave him or he gave me, that he wore all the time, and now I can see that they are superimposed and the necklace I gave him is really not there, they are different ones’, one’s from all the other girls he had. All the other women that I just could not prove he was fucking around with. Why the hell is this in my fucking head?!! Why does this hurt so much when I haven’t even been with him for 10 years, why is it an hour after I woke up to this hell and my heart is still pounding and my chest physically hurts? Why, why, why? Was I ever in love with anyone who loved me for me?
My second husband I cannot even tell you, I gave him everything again and it was not reciprocated back. And he cannot even see it! For someone who is supposedly logical, he cannot even see the whole picture. WTF, I truly give up. Why should anyone even have a relationship with anyone, if it only results in pain. I have put myself on bumble and almost match and the emails and message coming from men are overwhelming, there are a bunch of boys parading as men who are very very desperate. Why can’t you meet someone organically anymore? But do I even want too? Every relationship is effort and I do not know if I even have enough effort for the relationship with myself. I stop, take a long slow deep breath and still feel the throbbing of my broken heart, I am right back in that fucking betrayal, pain, hurt, why give your heart to anyone, even family hurts you and is a big disappointment. Is this the sign that I am not ready to start dating ever, and i just need to plow forward in life alone? At least then it is only me giving up on myself and then I cannot blame anyone else, but isn’t that what I have been doing for the last few years?
I lean my head back on my old green chair in my great room and stare out the glass windows to my left into the trees. It is a grey hazy day with a slow drizzle being released from the blanket of thin clouds. “with or without you” plays from U2 as I have Sad Song radio playing on my Pandora. Maybe today is just my day to hurt, to be sad, to crawl into my soul and rock myself, Maybe I am just meant to be alone, and I should stop talking to the bumble guy and stop putting myself out in the world. My vision starts to shake as the vertigo comes on and I just stare straight trying to make sure that my head doesn’t start spinning as my hearing becomes a crashing rain stick, my neck tenses and I try to just breath and breath. The dizziness is back, but lets be serious did it ever go away? Kiss me by Ed Sheeran is playing I close my eyes go with the spinning and twirl my hair. My ever thinning hair as my sister pointed out to me, it is much much thinner than it was 4 years ago, I guess this is aging, joy, thanks for noticing it sis. At least I can buy hair, but you cannot really buy yourself thinner can you, well maybe through plastic surgery which I have had. Speaking of surgery, still HATE my boobs, still feel like a boy, still feel ugly. I am again on a diet and need to lose about 7 to 10 pounds, which I will by the time I go on vacation.
Yes vacation with my sister, and daughter my only two friends and to tell you the truth, the both stress me out. I am just always giving, giving, giving to everyone and I am always leaving myself in a deficit. How long does it take for me to give to me as much as I give to everyone else? Who is my safety net? Where is my superman, or hell I’ll take the Witcher, even better. Welcome to my pity party folks. “Pictures of you (2010 Remaster)” by the Cure is playing and again the salesman is in my head. An old FB high school guy sent me the messages he had between the salesman and him, after the salesman killed himself. The salesman said something about me and how he could replay all our moments in his head as pictures and he often did to this song. There is a whole album of my family online that is connected to his blog, it is out there for the whole world to see. God I was so in love with him and my family, it was my whole world, and now all I have is this big old house, an aggressive dog, and old furniture. Where the fuck did my joy go?
Maybe this is just aging, you get old, cannot see, hear less, physically feel awful, and lonely all the time. Your kids grow up and move away, and treat you like shit, family is no longer the family you knew. Your siblings are busy with their wives and kids and your kids are busy making their new lives with wives, husbands, in-laws, etc. But I feel left here alone, living with my shadows, just with painful memories and pain every fucking day from my job. I wake up dizzy and/or in pain and it carries through the day until I can finally sit on my couch and numb out with netflix.
This is week three of no drinking during the week and what is better? Not my under eye circles, not my pain, not my depression, not much. I am sleeping better, however after this most recent nightmare, am I? Am I really? Was Tito’s just blocking all of this? Or is today just a bad morning? “I am Mess” by Ed Sheeran is playing now. Why am I back here, Am I really just this 14 year old girl who is a wreck, stumbling through my life just trying to run away from heartbreak and love?
I should have never gone to the 2 year college, I should have gone away to college and studied medicine. I should be a doctor like I always want to be, I should have followed my dreams and not stuck around in my hometown waiting for the salesman to come home. I should have been stronger, I should have picked myself over everyone else. I should, I should, I should. Maybe I should just start drinking again.
Cheers. “Warning sign” by Coldplay in the background
tankangel 