It is not quite De-jaVu but it is something like it. I have flash backs during the day, and it when I go into the “memory” I cannot tell if it has actually happened or if it is was dream. This happens a few times a week if not daily to me. They seem to be long periods of time when I am so trying to remember is this actually happened or if this was just all in my subconscious mind, those long periods of time are mere seconds, and then they are lost. Sometimes I can connect them and then it all makes sense, and I remember, but I do not feel like I am on the right path. When I use to have De-ja-vu’s, I felt like I was right where I was suppose to be and going the correct way. Now it is all different, I can feel things and know things and sense things, but I do not feel like I am on the “right” path. I am not on the wrong path, but I am not on the “correct” path. This does not even make sense, but it kind of does right?
Anyway so much shit has happened and I have just been avoiding you. Too much to write, too much to recall, too much to deal with. I did go to a psychic and she just nailed things. I invited my sister and my daughter but of course they both did not go and I was not really surprised. I mean I am so use to people letting me down, it is just par for the course really. I will have to do a separate blog post on the psychic general reading because it was mind blowing.
Here I sit on a Tuesday night and I am off tomorrow thank God. I have a PT appointment at 8 am and a car appointment at 9:30 am because my check engine light and my trac off light both came on at the same time. Which caused me to go to autozone once and to the mechanic that I have the appointment with on Monday. I truly hope it is not expensive because at the moment, I am overdrawn by 111.23 in my checking account and I only have one credit card left, and I am not even sure that will work.
I enrolled in a debt relief program so therefore I stop paying my credit cards and put money into a savings account, so after a few months of not paying off credit cards my debt relief company will settle with my accounts and it will be paid out of the money that is being taken out of my account every two weeks. But my credit score will tank, however I do deserve it, I have been living at a rate that I cannot afford , renting 5 bedroom, 6 bathrooms with an elevator at the beach to try to make a family memory that will actually make my kids and their loved ones actual like one another. To make memories that we can remember, that will be laughing, crying laughing and fun, just all out fun, but it turns into fights and hard feelings and yelling and stone walling. I usually have the fourth of july house booked already at this point but I cannot afford it and of course no on else has stepped up. Oh but get this one, my sister already invited my two brothers with their two wives and their four kids. So I am suppose to pay for the 8 of my family, and now 8 fucking more people. What did I win the lottery? I wish I did. Someone on the outside of my life, but that knows me very well, told me that I need to stop being so generous with my “family” and spend all that money on me. That was a kick in the face, maybe I will just start doing that.
During these last few months I have connected with w again. and we got back together. Only for me to tell him to leave me alone after a deep betrayal and one I cannot not fathom or wrap my head around. W is best friends with my brother, the brother that I am closest too, which does not say much because I do not really care for his rude bitchy wife and either of their judgments about me and my life. My brothers do not know me, and w does not step in to explain to them that I am not who they “think” I am. My brother’s lump me in together with my sister and I am not very like my sister. I am loud, and brass, out spoken, extroverted, energetic, pagan, hyper, and I stand up for the little guy, even at my fucking detriment. I am extremely generous and I give to many, I understand the left out ones, I understand when someone is upset and I know how to read the room.
So why am I alone on the Tuesday before Christmas, tears streaming down my face when I already have paid round trip airline tickets booked for a New Year’s eve in my hometown, where I would have given w his lands end slippers, that are already wrapped. The slippers will now be returned to lands end to get a credit to my credit card, and the tickets will be not used. I cancelled my dog sitter and realized that this will be just another shit ass crying Christmas season, because I probably won’t even get my children for more than a few hours at that. I will not even get started on my sister because that mess and phoniness is just too close to my heart to discuss. Basically I have been fucked over by EVERYONE, and I am quite done with everyone.
How did w betray me? My brother has esophageal cancer and w knew and did not tell me. I do not even know if w told my brother we were together and that he wanted to tell me. W probably did not, he probably did not say anything. He probably did not say hey I talk to your sister ever day and I really think she would want to know about this, I feel uncomfortable keeping this from her. He did not say that, because he would not. The way he could have gotten around this is to just fucking tell me to call my brother. Then he does not lie to my brother who supposedly said to w that he wanted to tell me, he is just telling me to call my brother, so basically he is cutting himself out of the fucking equation, and I will get the answers that I need without w betraying my brother. So this has been GOING ON FOR WEEKS! I work in a fucking hospital, I work in health care and I fucking KNOW HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS. So w texts me daily and we talk on the phone and he does not say ANYTHING TO ME, nothing, fucking nothing. You know what this tells me is that w is closer to my brother than me, well no fucking shit J, ofc w is closer to your brother than me. Do I want a man who does not trust me? who cannot trust me, who gives his loyalty to my brother over me? I understand, I have not given w any reason to trust me more than my brother, and all at once I see it.
I will never be able to fit back into this world
I cannot go back, I do not belong there. I married w and it did not work, I lived back there and my brother’s still did not include my in their lives or try to be a part of my or my children’s lives. I do not belong there and that is now very apparent to me. W just wants to fuck me because he sure does not want to marry me or take care of me or become a financially independent man. I do not believe he is taking steps to better his financial situation as, he has not even filed his taxes since I did it for him. He lives in an apartment that his boss built for him, I do not believe he pays rent and he wanted me to stay there over New Year’s when I was planning to visit. I was not really comfortable about that, but I kinda wanted to see where his life is, so I did not say anything. But how do you fucking not tell me about my GOD DAM BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot get past that, I can’t.