Actually I LOVE Valentine’s day
When I lived in the North, I would get so depressed in the winter and by February I was actually almost scratching my eyes out over how antsy, depressed and just meh I was about everything. Now please remember that I am a perinatal sonographer, (ultrasound people!), so I work in the dark with no windows and dim lights. So during the winter up North I would wake up in the dark, drive to work in the dark, work all day in the dark and then leave in the dark, so basically I was/am a Vampire in the winter. I even get so pale that people ask me if I am sick, because my true color as a human is “pale as fuck white”. When I tell you I get so depressed in winter, can you say Seasonal Depressive Disorder, yes hand up that is me! I do get so down during the months of January and February that it is an effort to even move forward some days. I do have a day-light light I got for Christmas from someone in my family that I use every work day, it shines on me while I do my make up. I hope it is helping. I do also try to get outside or at least look out the window when the sun is shinning. I do not know how people in Alaska do it for months at a time, although I would like to experience that, just to see and say that I did it. However, I digress.
Valentine’s day, I love red and white and pink and hearts and snow and just everything about it. I decided sometime in my early married 20’s that I would throw a Valentine’s day party, and I would request everyone to wear red and/or pink, even White if necessary. This party was a HIT! and I loved it! I would think of games to play, like the honeymoon game, so you would separate couples and then have them answer questions regarding there other half. I would pour myself over books and games and really just anything or anyone to get questions that would be funny or awkward or loving or cute. I gave myself a mission to make “winter” a better place so I would have something to look forward too, and I wouldn’t be trapped in a dark world with dark days and just night waiting to encompass me. I even know that on one of those parties that I was probably pregnant with my third child/second pregnancy. I stopped taking the pill and started scanning myself for my ovulation, one night I initiated sex and rode my man like a rodeo, so I was hoping that I might be pregnant. However, I did not want to miss my party and luckily my period was not due until after Valentine’s day. I think I took the pregnancy test a few days after my Valentine’s day party. I went into the bathroom with the test, did it and then left it in the bathroom. My partner at the time then entered the bathroom and locked the door, so I could not get to the test! It did not matter though, I already knew I was pregnant, the test just confirmed my intuition. One thing I am leaving out though is that I stopped taking the pill before my partner agreed to try for a third child. Well what can I say? He did say he was ready to start trying for a baby, BEFORE he knew we were pregnant, so I was correct with my intuition. And lo and behold I successfully conceived my baby girl. I SOOOO wanted a girl but I prepared myself for another set of twin boys just so I would not be disappointed if I did end up having a third son, or a third and fourth son. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE MY SONS, and to tell the truth my partner was done and happy and maybe only wanted two boys. I was the one who pushed for a third child, I just knew I needed my girl and my partner did not have much resistance after all, cause it only took one month and there was my baby girl. And just like that my world was complete, I had all I had ever wanted.
I can remember some of my Valentine’s days and not all of them are good. The best one’s I remember are all because of w. W sent me some of the most beautiful flower’s I can remember, and oh how I love roses! My mother loved her rose bushes and I remember her teaching me how to prune a rose bush, so maybe that is where my love of roses comes from. I can also remember my father bringing home flowers almost monthly? to my mom, sister and I? There was an severely overweight man who sold flowers from a box handing off of his chest on Cumberland Ave by Cumberland Hill in the North. My Dad, bless him, would bring home three bouquets of flowers for his three girls. My Mom loved yellow roses, and my sister maybe she liked red or pink, but I…. I WANTED white roses. White roses are my favorite, maybe because they are so rare, or maybe because they just looked so pristine. Anyway each of us girls would get an individual bouquet at least once a month, and it really meant something to me. I really loved that fact that my Dad would still bring my mother flowers after all those years and bring his daughter’s flowers just because……
Sitting here alone about to face another Valentine’s day single, I feel sad, lonely and empty. I will remember all the Valentine’s days with W and all the roses he sent me. I will try to be happy for the past and hopefully the present. After all W was the first boy I was intrigued by, how I can remember those phone calls way back when, if only he was my first, if only we had acted on those feelings, how much of our life’s would be so different. But as I know so brutally, you cannot change the past, regardless of how much you want to.
Happy Valentine’s Day, maybe I will not cry
tankangel 