I was watching a documentary on HULU, called the devil you know, it is about a man called “Pazuzu” who basically killed a man or more and buried him in his backyard. He also did animal sacrifices and lived in a house that was just filth. W and I were watching it and I got triggered, triggered big time that I had to leave the room and go upstairs to breath and get my fucking head straight. Basically, it was something like I am drinking daily because I feel guilty for the salesman’s death, and the last years of his life. That I was/am a huge significant reason to the ending of his life. And how I am/was guilty. And that is it, That is my major problem, and one that I cannot face without being more than buzzed. So I am watching this documentary again to see if I can come across exactly what triggered me and why. So far nothing.

But do I really feel guilty for the salesman’s death? Do I know that I could have probably prevented it? YES, but it would have ripped my soul and possibly my children’s lives to bits – YES. So did I have to choose between my husband with his disease and my children? And I picked my children, of course, I picked my children, but that does not release me from the guilt of the death of the salesman, or does it? Why should I have to have been put into this scenario? What did I do to deserve this? What lesson was/is my soul suppose to learn from this situation which fucked up my whole life? And why is this hitting me now?

I guess my fucking soul/mind/brain is fucking sick of drinking myself until I pass out every night, and my body and intuition is telling me I need to fucking address this NOW. I emailed my old therapist today and I am going to start therapy again because I need to stop being this negative, self destructive person, and I need to stop feeding that part of myself. I feel like I am on the edge of a building and I can either remove myself from the ledge and try to find the stairs, and work on the slow descent down to sanity, or I can just keep drinking, having suicidal thoughts, and run as fast as I can off this ledge and basically driving myself to an early grave.

why now? why now? why now? I really do not understand.

I had a fucking shit day on Friday and it was my work party, and I said I was going. I had my black lace dress, my fur black boots, and my jewelry in my car and I was planning on going. And I would have looked good. I wanted to go, but I HAD A FULLING SHIT DAY ON FRIDAY. I was at the new fourth hospital building, and it was shit. I did not bring my notebook so I did not have all my passwords so basically I could not start my work day. It was problem patient after problem patient and my attitude started at 8 and slid down to -100 by the time it was for me to leave. My UTI was still bothering me, and I was out of antibiotics that AM, so I texted my Doctor and she prescribed me something for bladder spasms, like Detrol, to see if that helped. I texted my daughter to see if she could get me the meds and drop them off at my house because I have my work party and I will be home after the pharmacy will be closed. Well my daughter ofc cannot help me and I am fucked. I leave work late like, 5:20 pm, and have to drive all the way to my pharmacy which took a good hour. The work party started at 6:30 pm, so I did not go, and I was sad that I did not go, but I did not feel good, and I needed my meds. BUT why the fuck couldn’t my daughter do me a fucking favor and pick up my meds, and drop them at my house! I did not even tell her because it would not change anything, and it would just make me mad. According to my group work text the party was a blast and I was missed. But really? Really was I? Everyone was allowed to bring a plus one, and well I do not have a plus one. So out of 8 ultrasound techs everyone would have a fucking husband and I would be there alone, looking like the loser who cannot hold on to a husband. And I do not think I could be there without a plus one, it would just cement the loser that I am. I guess just another justification that I am a loser and I cannot be around anyone.

I should have gone to the work party, but again, it just me being a loser and not dealing with who I am.