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Hey, How are you? Can you tell me what you need? Can I help you with something? I sure wish I could. So I went away with my love for a weekend in the Tennessee Mountains, and it was great. It was AWESOME as all shit. And I wanted it to be. I purposely did not argue or fight or disagree with Mr. W on our weekend away because I did not want to fight with W at all. I wanted it to be a “fairy tale weekend, one that I was deserved for my birthday” I wanted it to be in the “bubble of normalcy” which would make it more real.I did not want to fight with Mr. Wonderful, I did not want to disagree with him at all. I wanted the weekend to be perfect. And it almost was, it almost was. There were some issues and awkward moments but all in all I was able to curl up under his right arm, slipping my left arm under his body, moving my right leg over his left leg, covering his private part with a good bit of pressure with my right thigh, do my little dance, sigh, and release all of myself over him. It FELT so good to be me, to just let go and be me, it felt so good to be me and it felt so good to be me with Mr. W alone. I actually FELT WHOLE, I actually felt whole.

I actually felt WHOLE

I cannot tell you how good that felt, and how much I needed it. AND why do I feel soooooooo MYSELF with W? Is it because I am so fucking damaged that I do not know how to be ME? I guess that is just another issue that needs to be worked out.

I texted W to leave me alone and that we can just be friends

Because I think it would be easier for him, W

Yes it would be easier for Mr. W to be without be, because I am so complicated

Because I truly do NOT know who I am, and I truly do not want to hurt Mr. W, but that seems all I DO.

I AM Sorry Mr. W, I do not mean to be so difficult, I do not mean to hurt you.

I am just trying to protect me, I am just trying to protect me,

I just do not know how to trust anyone on the inside, I just do not know how to let anyone in because everyone I did let in just hurt me.

I am so fucked up, I am so just a basket case, I am so damaged and I am sorry. I wish I could be someone who was worthy of you, but I am not.

I am just me, I am just me, I am just me, and I do not think that I am worth anything at all, actually I know that I am not worthy of anyone much less anything.

I have so many thoughts in my head that tell me to just end it, to just not be here tomorrow.

And somedays those thoughts are so strong, that I am surprised that I wake up tomorrow.

God I am So Fucked up, I am so LOST, I am so lacking.

I felt alive playing pool with Mr W in the loft, I felt wonderful and invincible and I hope to hold onto that feeling forever.