Why is it that negative self talk and negative moods can penetrate your psyche so much easier than positive ones? Or is this just me? I was doing better, I actually made the decision to decrease my work hours to 4 – 8 hour days, which is still full time, but obviously it is 32 hours vs 40 hours. I could have gone to 5 – 8 hour days but I have done that my whole life and I am done with working so much. I mean what the fuck has it given me? I guess you can say everything I have, which is true, however, my work/life balance is FUCKED. I cannot function with these 10 hour days which are actually 12 hour days due to my commute. I think part of the reason baby E is so aggressive is due to these long, long days. I leave the house at 6:30 am and I am not home until 7:00pm or later, depending on when I get out. And that is when I get out on time. I do love my 10 hour crew, and we all became leads at once, so I will miss the camaraderie of my 10 hour friends since we all are newish and have all learned together at once. We did decide that as we were learning the lead tech position (4 of us) that we would help one another, and we did. It was a great experience, I do believe I am cut our for lead tech, because I run a tight ship and I am fucking good at it, better than most if I might say. Although all of us have our good qualities and our bad qualities so I am sure my other co-workers shine where I do not. Again I am proud of our 10 hour crew and I am sad to leave it, but I am not so young anymore, like the rest of the 10 hour crew is, I am the oldest new one on the team. Not the oldest 10 hour co-worker, that would be SA and well she is sometimes a problem, I seriously think she may have a mood disorder, because you just never know what you are going to get with her. And sometimes she is a BITCH, like sabotaging the new leads and making everyone’s evening fucking hell. Before we all trained for lead, when she was lead she ALWAYS got us out late, like 30 minutes to 60 minutes LATE working a 10 hour shift! And then she would stay later after we left doing “work” which now looking back I do not think it was actually work. Anyway, she went away from Christmas vacation and left as one of two leads and came back to 4 new leads, so she was FUCKING pissed and I can understand it. However she is older than me, so she is 55? or 56? and she was doing high school shit to the new leads. Everyone noticed, even the PRN employees who do not work everyday. So SA was removed from the lead position for about 3 weeks?, but now she is back on the schedule as lead and well, we will see how things go.

I LOVE being lead, I love having control and working out the problems and moving things along, it suits me well. And this upcoming month of June, I will be the AM lead which is always ML’s but ML is off for two weeks so, I get to really get my hat in the ring. I really think working 4 – 8 hour days will be my magic number. I promised myself I would go a full year doing 4 -10 hour days before I made a decision, and technically I will be moving to 32 hours in September so that is 1 month after I have been at this job. I was dwelling on putting in my request to moving to less hours for weeks maybe even a month or so, and one Friday AM morning it felt right and I sent the email off to my supervisor, and I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. So I know I made the correct decision, I just wish it would come earlier, however I do need the money of a 40 hour week, but my body needs the break of a 32 hour week, so I will have to adjust. Time for me to take care of me and not always run after the fucking immaculate dollar, because running after the money has not given me peace, joy or love. I need to take care of me, since no one else does.

So I bought tickets to Ed Sheeran’s concert which is tomorrow, he is one of the few people I will pay to see in concert. I asked my sister to come with me, she agreed, I bought the tickets and my sister paid me back over the last year. Last night a post of my neighborhood FB page was giving away 4 free tickets to the Ed Sheeran Concert! So I actually got them for FREE!!!!! I proceeded to ask everyone I knew to come. I started with W and ofc he cannot come, not that I expected him too, but it would have been an epic night, I even invited his daughter. Then I asked my First Daughter and her husband, and lo and behold NO FUCKING ANSWER, so I moved on. My Second Son and his Wife had plans, but at least my daughter in law answered me, then I asked my First Son and his GF, and that was a NO because they had plans. So I moved on to my friend from my last job, and she was a no, she will be at her lake house working on it with her husband and daughter. So then I moved on to my co-workers, and only 1 out of 4 gave me a possible yes. So I went to bed completely fucking defeated. I have no friends and I have no one who wants to spend anytime with me, much less go to a FUCKING FREE concert in ATL.

Waking up this AM left me in a bad mood and that just dragged on into the day, so I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself all day. I am a loser, a loser, a big fucking loser. No one wants to spend time with me, I am a useless piece of flesh taking up space and time that is pointless. And I have the feeling that my sister who is suppose to go with me to the concert is going to back out, but who am I? I am no one. So much for looking forward to this concert, I mean why fucking go at all. I wish I could just do things myself, I would be so much more resilient, or maybe I wouldn’t be. Lets get really, I would not be, I will just be more of a loser that I am.