WTF should be the title of this entry, but I think I have used it once or maybe twice, or maybe more than a few times. I think I am a little too much, just a little too “J” for everyone in my life. I am too blunt, too honest, too unfiltered, too aggressive, too “insert word here” and it would point to a picture of me. I am just too fucking much, and even sometimes I do not want to be with myself. SO WTF

I wear three silver rings with my children’s names on them, and I have for at least 4 to 5, maybe 6 years? now. I actually had to take them off today, cause my finger was swelling around them and it just hurt. I haven’t had to take those rings off in years, so why today? Why was my finger so swollen, that I had to remove my rings? Why? Because I have been eating like shit and drinking all the time waiting for this year to end so I can finally be more disciplined and get back to who I really am when I am not a fucking drunk loser fool. But I do not think I can stay at this job and be sober.. This fucking job is killing me and I think I am getting taken advantage, I always have the busiest schedule, I am booked solid, with add ons, double bookings, and then the covid patient’s. FUCKING COVID is back and it is a swarm. FUCK covid. Fuck Covid! I need something good to happen. I need the universe to give me something back, just so I know that I am on the right path. Just so my automatic negative thoughts, ANTS, do not consume and ruminate through my head 24/7. And I am kind of loosing that battle. And believe me I am trying, I am back in counseling, but she wants me to tackle a situation that I do not want to do. I will not elaborate here, well at least not today.

Today I had a fucking shit day and work and it all accumulated in the fucking group text with my fucking boss who is at least 10 years younger than me, if not more. Basically the C office has two ultrasound techs every day, 5 days a week, and today at 10am they closed it, and tried to reschedule all the patients onto my office JC, so JC1, or JC2, or AV office. So I texted the tech at the C office to ask what was going on? and then no answer. So then I texted the group message of all 8 ultrasound techs, to as “what is going on with C? I actually texted the second in command who works at the C office the same thing and she did not answer me. So hence why I put it in the group text and then after 30 minutes I asked “HELLO???” and no one answered me so then my Boss, U sends a text in the GROUP text an HOUR after the fact that says

“When things concern you, they will be communicated to you, otherwise you don’t need to worry about it.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

It does not effect me? REALLY??? Well maybe it does, cause I am the other only full time tech, and this situation will FUCK up my whole next week. ALSO HOW FUCKING RUDE IS THAT!!!!! I might also mention that she bitched at me on Tuesday about scheduling the COVID patients, etc, etc, etc. So basically I say/text what everyone is thinking and I get fucked over for it. So I have decided to not participate in the group text, and actively look for a new job. I mean things might be different if I was getting paid hourly and actually GOT MONEY TO STAY LATE, but yeah I do not, and it is bullshit. IF I find another job and quit this shit, they will be fucked, cause no one wants to work at the JC office and I am there alone the majority of the time. I am also in a shit ton of pain this week and last week, because, a) I cancelled my massage last week due to my first son coming home, b) I have been by my fucking self for two weeks, or three everyday with the heaviest schedule. So they are unappreciative of me and I am being worked to death. This seems to be the story of my fucking life lately, I just give and give and give and be me and go over the top for everyone, and then get fucking screwed. So I have decided to NOT BE ME. I have decided to not help anyone else except me, I won’t put out things, move up appointments and treat my patient’s as I would like my mother to be treated. For example, a patient was on my schedule after seeing a provider the day before for post menopausal bleeding. She is a large woman, and over the age of sixty, and she had some vaginal bleeding. So I performed her exam, and then eventually got her appointment moved from the second week of January to the first week of January, so basically got it moved up a week. Then I went to the nurses’ office to talk to the gyn nurse, to explain the situation. I was very concerned about the ultrasound looked like, it did not look good and I did not know if she needed to be sooner than that. She needs to be seen by a doctor and possibly have a biopsy. I did not have to do that. I could have just scanned her and let her be seen almost 2 plus weeks later, and now I think that I should just not be me. I should just not go out of my way for anyone, just be a robot, and bring a patient back, do the exam, and walk them to check out, no talking, no trying to make the patient feel better, just a robot. Perform the exam, walk the patient out, again and again. With no insight into the next days schedule or the patient’s needs or anything. Just fucking do exam, and bye!

And why shouldn’t I? I am a team player at this office, I go above and beyond and everyone knows it, at least the people I have worked with. And WHAT HAS IT GIVEN ME!?!?!?!?!

NOTHING FUCKING NOTHING

Just basically a verbal reprimand on a group text by my boss who is younger than me. And the last time she bitched at me she disclosed information that I only told her, so she basically violated hippa rules, because she put it in the group text. WELL it is on my phone so we will just see what this turns out to be. The communication at this office is hideous, and I am not going to talk to anyone but one tech, everyone else can just fend for themselves. I hate that I cannot be me, maybe one day, maybe one day, someone will like me for me. I fucking doubt it, I am just too much for anyone. Fuck being myself, robot J is coming up, hello to boring, hello to not pointing out a malignancy to everyone to get the patient in sooner to possible prolong her life, fuck it, Robot J coming up.

It really is not any surprise, I always give more than what is expected, and I always get fucked over. No one deserves me, just me. I will be good to me.