The pain is coming and I can feel myself pulling it in closer to my heart.  I can feel the pressure of my fast heart rate, I can feel myself locking it down and my walls being built higher.

“I told you so, everyone always leaves”

“There is no happy ending for you, J”

“Do not ever think that love ever ever ever comes without pain”

“The only one you can depend on is yourself, haven’t you learned that lesson, yet?”

“No one can love you the way you need to be loved”

No one can get through your walls, and that is why you have built them. That is why they keep you safe. That is why you are here. These walls, this thick concrete walls are the only place you are safe. Deep breath, hold it together, you can do this. Who needs emotions anyway.  I can lock all of this away, and survive.  You can always survive, that is what you are good at. Build the wall higher, make your defenses stronger, do not let your heart hurt again, do not let anyone ever see behind this wall again.  One part of me defends, while the other part screams. And she screams and screams and screams as she  falls farther and farther down this hell hole. Let her go, let her scream, let her hurt. The walls are built to keep people away, not to let anyone in. Why did you think otherwise? Did you think that all your lashing out and pushing him away would result in anything else? And now do you think it will be ever possible to let anyone else see behind the wall?

Everyone always leaves, always, Every. Single. Time. You silly, silly girl, how did you not learn that lesson?

Lock everything down now, and be silent.  Time to stop the hurt, deal with the pain, and run run far behind these walls. head